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Lake[Lake]
Lake作品集
二品总督
（刚入二品，小心做人）
注册时间: 2006-10-10
帖子: 1341
来自: Sky Blue Water
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 发表于: 星期二 十月 10, 2006 2:43 pm 发表主题: Come Earlier Next Morning |
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I'm new here, and new in poetry and writing, too. Critiques and suggestions are greatly appreciated.
Come Earlier Next Morning
Six-thirty in the morning
A wooden cabin asleep. Alone
I walk to Yellow Stone Lake
Along a trodden path in the fields
Where everything is calm, quiet
A broken tree trunk ashore
Half buried in the sand
I climb on it and sit
A golden pika scurries away
Under my dangling bare feet
Wild ducks swim with waves
Rising and falling. Not far
A man is fishing, carefree and content
The rippling water glistens
With the first sunshine
In the distance, the mountain range
Dimly visible in the morning mist
The sun, not waiting for me
One pole high already
I regret missing his leaping
From the horizon, his splendor, majesty
The lake water incessantly laps
Against the shore with soft sound
As if singing, come earlier next morning
My book lies forgotten in my hand |
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星子[ANNA]
星子作品集
酷我！I made it！
注册时间: 2004-06-05
帖子: 13192
来自: Toronto
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| 发表于: 星期二 十月 10, 2006 8:46 pm 发表主题: |
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Hi Lake.
Welcome.
This is more like prose. I think you could trim some and focus on one major point.
There are a lot of vivid and beautiful images...
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不清[不清]
不清作品集
二品总督
（刚入二品，小心做人）
注册时间: 2006-03-22
帖子: 1364
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| 发表于: 星期二 十月 10, 2006 9:45 pm 发表主题: |
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actually, what is the different between a prose and a poem?
_________________
「四十二排浪，沒有一排是相似的」——不清
博客：
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Lake[Lake]
Lake作品集
二品总督
（刚入二品，小心做人）
注册时间: 2006-10-10
帖子: 1341
来自: Sky Blue Water
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| 发表于: 星期三 十月 11, 2006 11:06 am 发表主题: |
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| 不清 写到: | | actually, what is the different between a prose and a poem? |
Good question, 不清. One thing I konw for sure is that their forms are different--poems are in stanzas, proses in paragraphs.  Of course there are other differences. Let's wait for other people's opinions. |
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Lake[Lake]
Lake作品集
二品总督
（刚入二品，小心做人）
注册时间: 2006-10-10
帖子: 1341
来自: Sky Blue Water
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| 发表于: 星期三 十月 11, 2006 12:29 pm 发表主题: |
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| 星子 写到: | Hi Lake.
Welcome.
This is more like prose. I think you could trim some and focus on one major point.
There are a lot of vivid and beautiful images... |
This is the first response I received from this forum, much appreciated, 星子.
1 It does sound like a prose, doesn't it? Actually, I did condense it once before, but the comment I got is that the original is better than the condensed.
2 Hum, "focus on one major point"... I did get lost in the beauty of the nature. Maybe the "wilderness" in Gary Snyder's poems influenced me, but I think there is some idea in it. 
Thanks for reading and commenting. |
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不清[不清]
不清作品集
二品总督
（刚入二品，小心做人）
注册时间: 2006-03-22
帖子: 1364
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| 发表于: 星期三 十月 11, 2006 12:40 pm 发表主题: |
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| Lake 写到: | | 1 It does sound like a prose, doesn't it? Actually, I did condense it once before, but the comment I got is that the original is better than the condensed. |
Lake, I also have the habit of revising my work over and over again, and people usually tell me the original version is better! I guess we should be very careful not to lose the initial "mood" we were to create. By the way, do you do any Chinese poetry? Later,
Bu Qing
_________________
「四十二排浪，沒有一排是相似的」——不清
博客：
http://42waves.tumblr.com |
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星子[ANNA]
星子作品集
酷我！I made it！
注册时间: 2004-06-05
帖子: 13192
来自: Toronto
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| 发表于: 星期三 十月 11, 2006 4:02 pm 发表主题: |
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| 不清 写到: | | actually, what is the different between a prose and a poem? |
I believe poetry is more concise or more imaginable...
not too telling , more room to think or feel.
For this one, I like the natural scene, and what it reminds of you...
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星子[ANNA]
星子作品集
酷我！I made it！
注册时间: 2004-06-05
帖子: 13192
来自: Toronto
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| 发表于: 星期四 十月 12, 2006 12:20 pm 发表主题: |
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补充一下...比我开始写强多了.....继续坚持!
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Lake[Lake]
Lake作品集
二品总督
（刚入二品，小心做人）
注册时间: 2006-10-10
帖子: 1341
来自: Sky Blue Water
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| 发表于: 星期四 十月 12, 2006 3:42 pm 发表主题: |
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| 不清 写到: | | Lake 写到: | | 1 It does sound like a prose, doesn't it? Actually, I did condense it once before, but the comment I got is that the original is better than the condensed. |
Lake, I also have the habit of revising my work over and over again, and people usually tell me the original version is better! I guess we should be very careful not to lose the initial "mood" we were to create. By the way, do you do any Chinese poetry? Later,
Bu Qing |
不清, Thanks for your advice.
我会写什么诗啊。My Chinese sucks (learned the word from my daughter), so doe my English. 刚起步，还不知走不走得下去呢。不过，很幸运，有两位好老师。 
Cheers,
Lake |
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Lake[Lake]
Lake作品集
二品总督
（刚入二品，小心做人）
注册时间: 2006-10-10
帖子: 1341
来自: Sky Blue Water
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| 发表于: 星期四 十月 12, 2006 3:46 pm 发表主题: |
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Thanks 星子 for your encouragement.
"Not telling, but showing". Agree. |
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不清[不清]
不清作品集
二品总督
（刚入二品，小心做人）
注册时间: 2006-03-22
帖子: 1364
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| 发表于: 星期五 十月 13, 2006 12:00 am 发表主题: |
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看來lake你的英文和中文一樣好！是呢，你是那裡人？在中國還是國外？看來是英國，是嗎？
_________________
「四十二排浪，沒有一排是相似的」——不清
博客：
http://42waves.tumblr.com |
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