深夜
星期三 六月 14, 2006 3:44 pm
今晚这只猫一直蹲在角落，
它哪也不去。
微眯的眼睛让我不安。
粉色衣裙退了一半，
肤色如雪，镜子里的
蒙娜丽沙笑了笑
突然有点迟疑。
转过身，再转，
慢慢停住，
墙角一只蜘蛛，
悠然地蚕食
落网的虫子。
----译成英文-----想看看我的本地诗人朋友如何评价
The cat huddles in a corner,
tonight he wouldn’t go anywhere,
his half-open eyes make me nervous.
My pink dress is pulled off half way,
skin shines like snow.
Mona Lisa in the mirror smiles,
I suddenly hesitate.
Turn around, and turn again,
I slowly stop.
A spider on the wall,
enjoys a trapped moth.
----
This is such a beautiful poem!!
and much enjoyed reading it
pretty pretty visuals
and I think something a bit different in your style
much enjoyed!
Golden*
---
Marvalous!
I always did enjoy your style. Just one little line to mix about:
My pink dress is pulled off half way
to...
My pink dress partly peeled away
I started by just swapping a few words about, but then the image formed properly and in the end I re-wrote it. Hope that gives you an idea.
Cust.
----
Lav... I enjoyed the brevity of this, and the sudden dark ending. When going for minimal (as you seem to be) less is more, so I agree with Bri's suggestions for li'l cuts (with the exception of S3 - I like the little bit of suspense between I stop - and 'a spider'). If you wanted to, you could really get out the o'l trimming shears and also lose some of your end-line punc:
The cat huddles in a corner
tonight, he wouldn't go out
his half-open eyes make me nervous.
Pink dress pulled off half way
my skin shines like snow -
Mona Lisa in the mirror smiles
Turn around, and turn again,
I stop.
A spider on the wall
enjoys his meal—
trapped moth.
The speaker goes from admiring herself in her finery to a sudden realization that things are not as they seem. She sees the trap that she is in, and perhaps realises that she has placed herself in the trap. The spider could be a man, or a situation, although the spider is stated to be a 'he' and not a 'she'. Or perhaps she is trapped in a lifestyle or a contrived way of 'being'. The 'man' scenario came to mind first, though.
I enjoyed this sudden bit of sel-realization. Seems as though she's been caught in the act!
