星子
酷我！I made it！

注册时间: 2004-06-05
帖子: 13192
来自: Toronto

发表于: 星期三 一月 30, 2008 3:29 pm    发表主题:

Comments from PenShell
--------------

Anna... This is one of the most beautiful poems I have read
by you. I was going to ask whether it was a translation
or an original, but you always mention when it is a
translation. So it is original. And better than most of your
translations, haha!

Your poem takes the intrinsic sorrow of the sea, and ties
it to the tide, which comes and goes.. like a promise
which can only be a lie, in the very long run.. The sorrow
in this poem pulls at my gut like something very true..

I think the first stanza is the strength of the poem. The language in the first stanza is perfect, and it contains the whole message.

The language in the second and third stanzas is a bit
more awkward, although they do add to the overall effect
of the poem. Let me play:

I prefer love not coming,
for knowing its promise
afterward -- the void.

Please don't change this stanza. It could be a poem
all on its own.


The moon lies,
thousands years,
still full and shiny,
soothing night's invasion.

The moon lies
its thousands of years,
soothing night's invasion.

Line one is astonishing with its double meaning, connected
to S1, and the tide, which comes and goes, and with
the illusions that the moon always implies.. Wonderful!!

Only dreams,
--dream--
that keeps waiting...


Only dreams,
dreams,
keep waiting.


I think you don't need the dashes and dots,
and the repetition works, IMO..

Beautiful poem, very true, very human, very real.


Oh, and hc... the tide is a metaphor for the endless
rhythm of whatever comes and goes like the tide,
including 'being' itself, which is the deeper meaning
of this poem. I think, heheh..

Again, Anna... this is one of my favorites of yours,
and I think S1 could be a beautiful poem, all on its own..

mike
_________________

星子
酷我！I made it！

注册时间: 2004-06-05
帖子: 13192
来自: Toronto

发表于: 星期四 一月 31, 2008 10:25 pm    发表主题:

more explanation and comments here.

http://coviews.com/viewtopic.php?p=188776