飞云浦
关于李清照第一名词的英译争议
星期二 十月 13, 2009 8:21 am
这个题目很有意思——
我参与了评点。小小的评点哦，所以把原贴和跟贴一并收拢贴在这儿。
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#1 声声慢 ─ 李清照（中英文）
寻寻觅觅，冷冷清清，凄凄惨惨戚戚。乍暖还寒时候，最难将息。三杯两盏淡酒，怎敌他、晚来风急？雁过也，正伤心，却是旧时相识。
满地黄花堆积。憔悴损，如今有谁堪摘？守著窗儿，独自怎生得黑？梧桐更兼细雨，到黄昏, 点点滴滴。这次第，怎一个、愁字了得！
Seek, seek; lonely, quiet; doleful, rueful, woeful.
When it just turns warm, but still cold, it’s hardest to have a rest full.
Two or three cups of light wine, how to fend the evening wind so strong?
The wild geese pass—I feel heart-broken—since they are my old acquaintance.
All over the ground the yellow flowers in heaps.
Languished as I am, who will now pick them?
Keeping myself at the window, how can I fare alone till nightfall?
Chinese parasol, plus drizzles on it, dripping and dripping;
At this moment, what can I do with the word “sorrow”?
（押韻版）
Seek, seek; lonely, quiet; doleful, rueful, woeful.
When it just turns warm, but still cold, it’s hardest to rest full.
Two or three cups of light wine, how to fend the strong wind in the evening?
The wild geese pass, they being my old acquaintance, heart-broken I’m feeling.
All over the ground, in heaps, the flowers yellow.
Languished as I am, who will pick them now?
Keeping myself at the window, how can I fare alone till night falling?
Chinese parasol, plus drizzles on it, dripping and dripping;
At this moment, what can I do with the word “sorrow”?
評四位大師對李清照“聲聲慢”的翻譯
【林語堂譯作】
Slow slow tune (Li Qingzhao)
So dim, so dark,/So dense, so dull,/So damp, so dank,/So dead!/The weather, now warm, now cold,/Makes it harder than ever to forget!/How can thin wine and bread/Serve as protection/Against the piercing wind of sunset!/Wild geese pass over head/That they are familiar/Lets it more lamentable yet!
The ground is strewn with staid/And withered petals/For whom now should they be vase set?/By the window shut,/Guarding it along,/To see the sky has turned so black!/And on the cola nut/To hear the drizzle drown/At dust: Pit-a-pat, pit-a-pat!/Is this a mood and moment/Only to be called “sad”?
評﹕雖然用了七個D開頭的詞﹐乍一看很雷人的﹐但與原文開頭三短句毫無關係。now warm, now cold是時暖時寒﹐不是乍暖還寒。Makes it harder than ever to forget﹐是“最難將息”之意嗎﹖bread﹖中國那時有麵包嗎﹖下面的意思還能搭得上界﹐不予置評了。但也不敢恭維。
楊憲益夫婦譯本：
Seeking, seeking, Chilly and quiet, Desolate, painful and miserable. Even when it's warmer there is still a chill It is most difficult to keep well. Three or two cups of light wine, How can they ward off the strong？
Wild geese fly past, while I'm broken-hearted; ButI recoze they are my old friends.
Fallen chrysanthemums piled up on the ground, So withered，Who would pluck them up now? Leaning on the window, How can I pass the time till night alone? The drizzle falls on the wutong trees, Raindrops drip down at dusk. At a time like this, What immense sorrow I must bear!
評﹕Chilly﹖把“冷”字直譯了。但這裡是“冷清”之意。to keep well﹐將息﹖the strong﹐並不一定指wind。可能掉詞了。總之﹐比林譯較達意。
許淵沖譯本：
I look for what I miss; I know not what it is. I feel so sad, so drear, So lonely, without cheer. How hard is it To keep me fit In this lingering cold! By cup on cup Of wine so dry Oh, how could I Endure at dusk the drift Of wind so swift? It breaks my heart, alas, To see the wild geese pass, For they are my acquaintances of old.
The ground is covered with yellow flowers, Fadedand fallen in showers./Who will pick them up now?Sitting alone at the window, how Could I but quicken The pace of darkness that won't thicken?
On plane's broad leaves a fine rain drizzles As twilight grizzles. Oh, what can I do with a grief Beyond belief!
評﹕首三句翻譯達不到原文開頭三句的氣勢。後面基本只能算是意譯。雖然沒押韻﹐但用了不少中間韻。總之﹐讀上去很鬆散。
徐中杰譯本：
I've a sense of something missing I must seek./Everything about me looks dismal and bleak./Nothing that gives me pleasure, I can find./Even the weather has proved most unkind./It is warm, but abruptly it turns cold again./An unbroken rest most difficult to obtain./Three cups of thin wine would utterly fail./To cope with the rising evening gale./Myself, into woe, a flight of wild geese has thrown./But with them, very familiar I have grown.
About the ground, cluysandiernums are bestrewn./Gathering into heaps——bruised——withering soon./With myself in utter misery and gloom,/Who cares to save them from their approaching doom?/Standing by the window-watching in anguish stark,/Could I bear alone the sight until it is dark?/Against the tung and plane trees, the wind rises high./The drizzle becomes trickles, as even draws nigh./How, in the word "Miserable", can one find-/The total effects of all these on the mind!
評﹕首四句與原文出入較大。It is warm, but abruptly it turns cold again完全曲解原意。bruised放在這裡﹐不知什麼意思。如說譯“損”字﹐“損”在憔悴後面﹐不在這裡。Who cares to save them from their approaching doom?原文無此意。watching in anguish stark原文無此意。 the wind rises high原文無此意。
總評﹕按此次序----楊﹑林﹑許﹑徐﹐似乎每況愈下。所以評詩文﹐先要看詩文本身如何﹐別管它們是誰所作。如果有人一看名字就大聲叫好﹐而實際上並不怎麼好時﹐豈不有拍馬之嫌﹖至少反映出自身水平不夠評論資格。即是說﹐在瞎評。
海外逸士
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寻寻觅觅，冷冷清清，凄凄惨惨戚戚。乍暖还寒时候，最难将息。三杯两盏淡酒，怎敌他、晚来风急？雁过也，正伤心，却是旧时相识。
满地黄花堆积。憔悴损，如今有谁堪摘？守著窗儿，独自怎生得黑？梧桐更兼细雨，到黄昏, 点点滴滴。这次第，怎一个、愁字了得！
Seek, seek; lonely, quiet; doleful, rueful, woeful.
When it just turns warm, but still cold, it’s hardest to have a rest full.
Two or three cups of light wine, how to fend the evening wind so strong?
The wild geese pass—I feel heart-broken—since they are my old acquaintance.
All over the ground the yellow flowers in heaps.
Languished as I am, who will now pick them?
Keeping myself at the window, how can I fare alone till nightfall?
Chinese parasol, plus drizzles on it, dripping and dripping;
At this moment, what can I do with the word “sorrow”?
（押韻版）
Seek, seek; lonely, quiet; doleful, rueful, woeful.
When it just turns warm, but still cold, it’s hardest to rest full.
Two or three cups of light wine, how to fend the strong wind in the evening?
The wild geese pass, they being my old acquaintance, heart-broken I’m feeling.
All over the ground, in heaps, the flowers yellow.
Languished as I am, who will pick them now?
Keeping myself at the window, how can I fare alone till night falling?
Chinese parasol, plus drizzles on it, dripping and dripping;
At this moment, what can I do with the word “sorrow”?
这就是天下第一的翻译！首先，没有译标题。
“Seek, seek;” 居然还有这样逐字译诗的！这第一行，比用机器译的强得有限。
“to have a rest full” 这是英文？
“Two or three cups of light wine, how to fend the evening wind so strong?” 这是英文句子？
“since they are my old acquaintance.” 那里得来的这个原因？是因为大雁走了诗人伤心，还是因为他们都孤苦？原诗没有说原因。还是不说什么因为所以为好，又不是写论文。
“Keeping myself at the window, ” 真是逐字逐句地译啊，可不是好英文。
“Chinese parasol, ” 谁都会搬字典，这样译梧桐树也太机械了，毫无美感，李清照管那树叫Chinese parasol, 怪怪的。跟着连plus这种词也出来了，什么文体？您就一点不对劲的感觉都没有？
what can I do with the word “sorrow”? 那是李清照的意思，还是你的意思？英文读者会说，You swallow it. 这也叫诗？
廖康
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我其实很喜欢老逸士的第一句，也许不是标准的英文，但是感觉很强烈，也很口语。
好语法的诗，未必好语感。
寻寻觅觅，冷冷清清，凄凄惨惨戚戚。
这句话有意思的就是寻寻觅觅，其实是动词，而冷冷清清，凄凄惨惨戚戚都是形容词。所以，老逸士翻的好，把其中的很微妙的意思翻出来了。而其它的译本，都没理解其中的滋味。楊憲益的译本好些，翻出了寻寻觅觅不同于冷冷清清，凄凄惨惨戚戚。林语堂和廖老师都没明白原词的意思。
而且老逸士气吞山河，敢于反其道而行之，又行之有理，我给老逸士鼓掌
July
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不是争论，只是解释英语：
Seek, seek; lonely, quiet; doleful, rueful, woeful.
这是命令句，翻译回来就是：“找，找……” 英文读者会丈二和尚，摸不着头脑，你让我找什么？
俺退一步，就算”寻寻觅觅“是动词，
说 seek，search 是不是好一点？
逸士的问题是他没有”推敲”。
Keeping myself at the window，
At this moment, what can I do with the word “sorrow”?
这样的句子，真的不好理解。
翻译不是对对子，词性有时需要转换，术语是transposition. 比如：
He is a good swimmer.
机械地对应词性，可译作“他是个游泳健将。”但也许他并没有这么棒。好的翻译此处需转换词性，译成：他游泳游得好。
我的一个学生现在就在做 a project on transposition.
杨宪益夫妇译的是seeking, 现在分词，not imperative verbs, 没有命令人寻找的意思，而是描绘。
廖康
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比一比这两个句子：
雁過也，正傷心，卻是舊時相識。
The wild geese pass—I feel heart-broken—since they are my old acquaintance.
A forlorn wild goose flying by, thou art but my time-worn companion of misery.
逸士就是忠实的，MINIMUM的翻译，廖老师加进了艺术手法。
理解也不一样，逸士认为是诗人伤心，廖老师认为是goose。
忍忍
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杨宪益夫妇译本用得就是“seek”，所以并不是逸士的原创。
我以为这里的“寻寻觅觅”，并不是真的在寻找什么东西，而是表达了一种若有所
失，迷离彷惶的失落感。连用两个“seek”，语意似乎过重，突出了本不存在的具
体寻找，也就偏离了原意。
许渊冲译本形式上不近原句，属于意译，原句的精神内涵却捕捉住了“I look for
what I miss; I know not what it is.” 我欣赏这两句。
随便看了几眼，还没时间深入，瞎说两句。大家接着玩吧。
thesunlover
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这是机器翻译的.
尋尋覓覓，冷冷清清，凄凄慘慘戚戚。
Looking for, desolate, desolately tragic, unhappy and worried.
三杯两盞淡酒
2 cups light wine
月满西楼
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请读Catford 的 A Linguistic Theory of Translation 好像是这个名字，里面提到各种必要的转换。
同意许大炮的翻译，加主语。不要说这样破坏了汉语的节奏感。企图把一种语言的声律特点强加到另外一种语言上是翻译中常见的误区。
许大炮在解释为什么用"miss" 和“it"时说， 这个短i 音可以传达原词的凄惨味道。这个我不同意。 这个音在英语里有那种sound symbolism 吗？
咱也瞎翻一下：
寻寻觅觅，冷冷清清，凄凄惨惨戚戚。乍暖还寒时候，最难将息。三杯两盏淡酒，怎敌他、晚来风急？雁过也，正伤心，却是旧时相识。
满地黄花堆积。憔悴损，如今有谁堪摘？守著窗儿，独自怎生得黑？梧桐更兼细雨，到黄昏, 点点滴滴。这次第，怎一个、愁字了得！
I look, but for nothing, in this cold desolation, how miserable I feel! It's getting warm, yet still very chilly, how can a few cups of light wine fend off the strong wind of night? Seeing geese passing, I am sad, for it's the same the year before.
黄花(what is it?) pile up on the ground. All withered, none worth plucking. Sitting by the window, I drag the day along, waiting for the night. At Dusk rain drips on the leaves of 梧桐, an endless flow of sadness, hard to put into words.
fanghuzhai
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哈哈哈，连机器搬都出来啦！翻译要讲信、达、雅，我是一条也做不到。若是勉强让我翻，只好以“达”为最低目标。要想让今天说英语的人们能看得懂，比如对我儿子说中国几百年前有个女诗人写过一首绝妙好词，那我只能这样翻译来给他说个大概意思。
Seeking and searching in cold and blue, my lonesome heart feels nothing but forlorn.
A chilly spring has tougher hours to endure than winter’s clenching that is finally loose.
By the time the evening gust arrives, my few cups of light wine will be gone so long.
In my desolation, I can only recognize an old acquaintance in each passing wild goose.
zhuxiaodi
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这个翻得好，译得好啊。
试问，从古至今有几人能真正做到达信雅？！
即使说三者兼备，也有问题。这好比美女，总能挑出毛病来---比如西子捧心。但是等到大家都叫好认为那是一种美即使是病态美的时候，就可以吃优！
网上各位一定记得自己的中小学作文，有谁拿过满分？这还是中文母语呢。
何况场中莫论文，文章中考官是最主要的。
打个比方吧，黄晓明谁都知道他的演技特次，但是就凭脸蛋（还不包括身材在内，那不算否则还要打折）雄踞首席男星。
所以啊，见仁见智。
老先生是很不容易的！
我曾经非常想跟他请教，可惜被谢绝。
英语只是我的第三外语，学得很烂。但是体会领悟的本事还是有点儿。
上面跟贴没有细说，只是总体感慨。
现在来闲话闲说两句-----
这样翻译来给他说个大概意思。
Seeking and searching in cold and blue, my lonesome heart feels nothing but forlorn.
A chilly spring has tougher hours to endure than winter’s clenching that is finally loose.
By the time the evening gust arrives, my few cups of light wine will be gone so long.
In my desolation, I can only recognize an old acquaintance in each passing wild goose.
“大概意思”好，未必要字字紧扣达到无一个字能更改的地步----首先投入产出就划不来。
请问，我说谁又能翻译出来一个千古绝唱呢。何况不是原创---裁缝最恨的就是改旧衣服，真不如做一件新的。
few cups，！！！非常之好。要知道填词是必须凑格式的，本意也就是few cups的意思。没必要Two or three cups或者Three or two cups。呵呵，我连那著名的红楼翻译家也批评进去了。
才疏学浅，不再对朱小棣的译文追加褒扬以免有吹捧本家之嫌。
呵呵，这是本人的两个跟贴堆放在一起了。
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