anna
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注册时间: 2004-05-02
帖子: 7141

发表于: 星期二 九月 22, 2009 10:22 am    发表主题:

Your language and scene-setting is wonderful, Anna. I enjoyed the idea of the party, the flowers carrying the narrator into the past. It's so nostalgic and well told that I could relate and imagined myself being carried back. That's the stuff of masterful story-telling.
I did find some suggestions mainly for tightening.. losing a few joining words and also a small amount of re-arranging. If these ideas don't work for you then take no notice, but I must say I did enjoy stepping inside it and reading closely.
　
We shade under the early autumn leaves,
click our glasses. Wasps circle low
around golden pancakes, columns of grass
clinging to ground in sudden wind.

Along the newly-painted fence,
flowers bloom. Angel's Trumpets
climb tall in the late afternoon. I recall
their Morning Glory from my hometown
lighting up through the village mist.

My tongue slips into the hidden memory;
the dry wine, sour and naked,
bites my shallow throat.

Listening to the rising voice
that tells of an immigrant story,
I am sunk in love's armchair,
mute as a straw crow.

I pour a glass of cherry wine,
swallow the sweet;
the images of my father's sad eyes,
my mother's crossed fingers looming.
They kept the past within themselves,
I was granted an intact silence.
Frost grows heavy from it,
tomatoes in the backyard ready to fall.



It is a beautiful poem. The ending is subtle and clean.
an intact silence .. I almost want to steal that for a title!
Lia