酷我-北美枫

[星子]

I thought marriage a shiny vase,
presenting its beautiful facets.
Its thin inner cracked,
I failed to predict the fragile lining.

You taught me to plow black soil,
for seeds to bury deep beneath.
Regardless of storms or snowfalls,
the roots clutched earth.

I took lessons from broken pieces,
you mended it with seamless patterns.
With light soaked souls,
we grow our trees.

[[ANNA]]

I thought marriage a shiny vase,
presenting its beautiful facets.
Its thin inner cracked,
I failed to predict the fragile lining.

You taught me to plow black soil,
for seeds to bury deep beneath.
Regardless of storms or snowfalls,
the roots clutched earth.

I took lessons from broken pieces,
you mended it with seamless patterns.
With light soaked souls,
we grow our trees.

[星子]

I post other poet's comments on mine here:


------------
Hi Lavender!
I haven't read you in a while.

S1 doesn't seem to justify itself well in the context of this poem. It could be you're trying to say that the speaker thought of marriage in a more domesticated sense, but the problem with that is that you go on to describe sowing (domesticating) earth. For that comparison to work you need something bigger to tie it all up.

I do like S2 and S3. With a few cuts, I think they could be your whole poem.


You taught me plowing it as black soil,
for love seeds to bury deep beneath.
Regardless of storms or snowfalls,
the roots clutched faith.

++ I don't think you need to say love -- it goes unsaid and is cliche when you say it. I would change faith to earth, dirt, or some other substance -- it will be clear enough, but more subtle if you do that.

I took lessons from broken pieces,
you mended it with seamless patterns.
With light soaked souls,
we grow our family trees.

++ It's evident without saying that you mean family trees -- and there's just something kind of cheesy to me about saying it. That might be me, though.

Mostly, I enjoyed this. I just don't think the vase thing works. Of course, cutting it would have to mean a change of title. I'd still use the vase in a different poem -- just not in this one.


Andrea

[[ANNA]]

I post other poet's comments on mine here:


------------
Hi Lavender!
I haven't read you in a while.

S1 doesn't seem to justify itself well in the context of this poem. It could be you're trying to say that the speaker thought of marriage in a more domesticated sense, but the problem with that is that you go on to describe sowing (domesticating) earth. For that comparison to work you need something bigger to tie it all up.

I do like S2 and S3. With a few cuts, I think they could be your whole poem.


You taught me plowing it as black soil,
for love seeds to bury deep beneath.
Regardless of storms or snowfalls,
the roots clutched faith.

++ I don't think you need to say love -- it goes unsaid and is cliche when you say it. I would change faith to earth, dirt, or some other substance -- it will be clear enough, but more subtle if you do that.

I took lessons from broken pieces,
you mended it with seamless patterns.
With light soaked souls,
we grow our family trees.

++ It's evident without saying that you mean family trees -- and there's just something kind of cheesy to me about saying it. That might be me, though.

Mostly, I enjoyed this. I just don't think the vase thing works. Of course, cutting it would have to mean a change of title. I'd still use the vase in a different poem -- just not in this one.


Andrea