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浴恩福[浴恩福] 浴恩福作品集 六品通判 (官儿做大了,保持廉洁哦)
注册时间: 2008-05-08 帖子: 123 来自: 多倫多
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发表于: 星期六 一月 10, 2009 4:34 pm 发表主题: My Son, My Executioner; 我兒,我的行刑者 |
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The original English: My Son, My Executioner by Donald Hall
My son, my executioner,
gggI take you in my arms,
Quiet and small and just astir,
gggAnd whom my body warms.
Sweet death, small son, our instrument
gggOf immortality,
Your cries and hunger document
gggOur bodily decay.
We twenty-five and twenty-two,
gggWho seemed to live forever,
Observe enduring life in you
gggAnd start to die together.
The Chinese Translation: 我兒,我的行刑者
我兒,我的行刑者。
我抱你在臂彎裡;
安靜,幼小,緩動,
並靠著我的身體取暖。
甘美的死亡,小兒 --
我們不朽的憑藉。
你的哭泣和飢餓記錄
我們肉體的衰殘。
我們,25和22歲,
看起來可活永世;
眼見生命持續於你,
便一同步向死亡。 _________________ 報三恩、耕三大福田
最后进行编辑的是 浴恩福 on 星期二 一月 27, 2009 7:05 pm, 总计第 2 次编辑 |
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ericcoliu[ericcoliu] ericcoliu作品集 二品总督 (刚入二品,小心做人)
注册时间: 2007-05-29 帖子: 1393 来自: GTA, Canada
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发表于: 星期日 一月 11, 2009 5:27 pm 发表主题: Re: My Son, My Executioner; 我兒,我的行刑者 |
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浴恩福 写到: |
The original English: My Son, My Executioner by Donald Hall
Quiet and small and just astir
gggAnd whom my body warms.
我們不朽的工具,
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I think you missed a comma after “just astir.”
I think 工具 is not quite accurate because of its functional instrumentality. _________________ Time is nothing but a disquiet of the soul |
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川生[川生] 川生作品集 七品按察司 (我开始管这里的事儿了)
注册时间: 2008-09-18 帖子: 72
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发表于: 星期一 一月 12, 2009 2:05 pm 发表主题: Re: My Son, My Executioner; 我兒,我的行刑者 |
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ericcoliu 写到: |
I think 工具 is not quite accurate because of its functional instrumentality. |
I concur!
Generally speaking, the translation is good; however, I think you can use your punctuation marks more expressive. _________________ Lines go off in all directions. |
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浴恩福[浴恩福] 浴恩福作品集 六品通判 (官儿做大了,保持廉洁哦)
注册时间: 2008-05-08 帖子: 123 来自: 多倫多
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发表于: 星期三 一月 14, 2009 7:39 pm 发表主题: Re: My Son, My Executioner; 我兒,我的行刑者 |
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ericcoliu 写到: |
I think you missed a comma after “just astir.”
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Yes, thanks.
ericcoliu 写到: |
I think you missed a comma after “just astir.”
I think 工具 is not quite accurate because of its functional instrumentality. |
川生 写到: |
Generally speaking, the translation is good; however, I think you can use your punctuation marks more expressive. |
Thanks for your thoughtful suggestions. I'll think them over and revise my translation later. _________________ 報三恩、耕三大福田 |
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ericcoliu[ericcoliu] ericcoliu作品集 二品总督 (刚入二品,小心做人)
注册时间: 2007-05-29 帖子: 1393 来自: GTA, Canada
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发表于: 星期五 一月 16, 2009 11:41 pm 发表主题: Re: My Son, My Executioner; 我兒,我的行刑者 |
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浴恩福 写到: |
川生 写到: |
Generally speaking, the translation is good; however, I think you can use your punctuation marks more expressive. |
Thanks for your thoughtful suggestions. I'll think them over and revise my translation later. |
My suggestions are as follows:
我兒,我的行刑者。
我抱你在臂彎裡;
安靜,幼小,緩動,
並靠著我的身體取暖。
甘美的死亡,小兒 --
我們不朽的憑藉。
你的哭泣和飢餓記錄
我們肉體的衰殘。
我們,25和22歲,
看起來可活永世;
眼見生命持續於你,
便一同步向死亡。 _________________ Time is nothing but a disquiet of the soul |
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浴恩福[浴恩福] 浴恩福作品集 六品通判 (官儿做大了,保持廉洁哦)
注册时间: 2008-05-08 帖子: 123 来自: 多倫多
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发表于: 星期二 一月 27, 2009 7:07 pm 发表主题: Re: My Son, My Executioner; 我兒,我的行刑者 |
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川生 写到: |
ericcoliu 写到: |
I think 工具 is not quite accurate because of its functional instrumentality. |
I concur!
Generally speaking, the translation is good; however, I think you can use your punctuation marks more expressive. |
Thanks for your reading and helpful comments.
I've revised my poem accordingly. _________________ 報三恩、耕三大福田 |
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christine[christine] christine作品集 四品府丞 (封疆大吏也!)
注册时间: 2008-02-25 帖子: 304
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发表于: 星期三 二月 04, 2009 8:08 pm 发表主题: |
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Below is another version with an additional stanza:
(Note that the last stanza is bracketed. That’s not how the poem actually appears, but is because this stanza was originally the last stanza of this poem- as 1st published in the 1950s. In subsequent editions of books & anthologies DH axed the last stanza)
[I take into my arms the death
Maturity exacts,
And name with my imperfect breath
The mortal paradox.] |
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浴恩福[浴恩福] 浴恩福作品集 六品通判 (官儿做大了,保持廉洁哦)
注册时间: 2008-05-08 帖子: 123 来自: 多倫多
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发表于: 星期六 二月 07, 2009 11:09 am 发表主题: |
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Thanks for the valuable information.
However, in my view, the bracketed last stanza of the original version lacks power to evoke interest through repetition of similar ideas, and it is a little melodramatic. _________________ 報三恩、耕三大福田 |
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