酷我-北美枫

[星子]

When asked to write down
what bothers them the most
these kids hand in their papers
with one word on them:

DEATH!

Facing their
somber-looking, sad eyes,
You cannot ignore the feeling
with them,
funeral after funeral,
for moms, dads and uncles,
from lunchtime to dusk,
on weekdays and weekends.

You cannot gather strength to breath...

When all is bleak and dark,
even the hottest sun cannot warm them.

These kids in Africa
now strive
their life skills---

Pray,
pray,
and pray!
_________________

[[ANNA]]

When asked to write down
what bothers them the most
these kids hand in their papers
with one word on them:

DEATH!

Facing their
somber-looking, sad eyes,
You cannot ignore the feeling
with them,
funeral after funeral,
for moms, dads and uncles,
from lunchtime to dusk,
on weekdays and weekends.

You cannot gather strength to breath...

When all is bleak and dark,
even the hottest sun cannot warm them.

These kids in Africa
now strive
their life skills---

Pray,
pray,
and pray!
_________________

[非马]

A good yet sad poem.

Some minor suggestions and questions:
1. It might be more powerful to delete the first line and rearrange the first stanza as follows:

when asked to write down
what bothers them the most
these kids hand in their papers
with one word on them:

2. "or template feeling" what is the meaning of the word "template" here?

3. I believe "lunchtime" is one word.

[[FFFFFF]]

A good yet sad poem.

Some minor suggestions and questions:
1. It might be more powerful to delete the first line and rearrange the first stanza as follows:

when asked to write down
what bothers them the most
these kids hand in their papers
with one word on them:

2. "or template feeling" what is the meaning of the word "template" here?

3. I believe "lunchtime" is one word.

[主持]

template ~ templet.

But, I guess - maybe it's temporal here.
_________________
是非是，我非我。

敬请光临我在北美枫的博客飞云浦

也请关注我的新浪博客
http://blog.sina.com.cn/u/1740799031

[[Bob]]

template ~ templet.

But, I guess - maybe it's temporal here.
_________________
是非是，我非我。

敬请光临我在北美枫的博客飞云浦

也请关注我的新浪博客
http://blog.sina.com.cn/u/1740799031

[星子]

谢谢 非马指点.

谢谢主持.

你们说对了.
_________________

[[ANNA]]

谢谢 非马指点.

谢谢主持.

你们说对了.
_________________

[老哈]

[[老哈]]

[星子]

同意老哈....

改了一些...谢谢!
_________________

[[ANNA]]

同意老哈....

改了一些...谢谢!
_________________

[茜雪]

These kids in Africa
now strive
their life skills---

delete them?maybe you will give the reader more to feel from the poem?
_________________
一纸素笺飘落，雪漫江南．

[[茜雪]]

These kids in Africa
now strive
their life skills---

delete them?maybe you will give the reader more to feel from the poem?
_________________
一纸素笺飘落，雪漫江南．

[星子]

[[ANNA]]

[茜雪]

[quote="星子"]

I don't think so.... It is the important phase to bring the message and fact...

"Pray, pray" that is the only life skills for them...
in that situation, nothing to grasp...


maybe its the difference between chinese poem and western poem.
western poems are more realitic than chinese poems. chnese poem used to ignore something to give the reader more to think as a reader.but the western ones used to describe the reality.
_________________
一纸素笺飘落，雪漫江南．

[[茜雪]]

[quote="星子"]

I don't think so.... It is the important phase to bring the message and fact...

"Pray, pray" that is the only life skills for them...
in that situation, nothing to grasp...


maybe its the difference between chinese poem and western poem.
western poems are more realitic than chinese poems. chnese poem used to ignore something to give the reader more to think as a reader.but the western ones used to describe the reality.
_________________
一纸素笺飘落，雪漫江南．

[非马]

"You cannot gather strength to breath... "(breathe?)

I think the word "Africa" is important in this poem.

[[FFFFFF]]

"You cannot gather strength to breath... "(breathe?)

I think the word "Africa" is important in this poem.