酷我-北美枫

ljm001 · 发表于: 星期六二月 04, 2006 10:20 pm 发表主题: On the Spring Day

Distance is running into blurred vagueness,
My mind is swirling with the turning wheels.

Driving fast on a windy highway,
I was watching joyfully dancing flakes,
Wildly lurching and flushing
Against a grey sky almost falling.

Melting flakes are crabbing on the windshield
Making bridges and highrises a twisted field,
Like crawling creatures creeping into my eyes,
A whim of nostalgia cropped up onto my heart.

Far far away in the nebulous high,
Behind the flirting flakes in the twilight,
Someone is stooping lower
Smiling at me on a snowy Spring Day.
_________________
听坡上林涛低鸣，看崖下海浪拍岸

星子 · 发表于: 星期日二月 05, 2006 10:41 am 发表主题:

是否可以考虑时态的变化，

the ing 给你的印象太强
_________________

ljm001 · 发表于: 星期二二月 21, 2006 10:23 pm 发表主题: 说得对

ljm001 · 发表于: 星期二三月 14, 2006 11:06 pm 发表主题: Re: On the Spring Day

按星子的建议，修改如下：

Distance ran into blurred vagueness,
My mind swirled with the turning wheels.

Driving fast on a windy highway,
I watched joyfully the dancing flakes,
Wildly lurching and flushing
Against a grey sky almost falling.

Melting flakes crabbed on the windshield
Making bridges and highrises a twisted field,
Like crawling creatures creeping into my eyes,
A whim of nostalgia cropped up onto my heart.

Far far above in the nebulous sky,
Behind the flirting flakes in the twilight,
Mom stooped down in my way,
Smiling at me on this snowy Spring Day.
_________________
听坡上林涛低鸣，看崖下海浪拍岸

非马 · 发表于: 星期五三月 17, 2006 12:02 am 发表主题:

写得相当不错。最后一节的stooped forward是否用stooped down更好？
最后一行的on the snowy Spring Day 也许改为on this snowy Spring Day.
Spring Day 是指清明节吗？(国内是这样翻译的吗？台湾及海外一般翻译成Tomb Festival 或Tomb-Sweeping Day)，如果仅指春日，便没必要用大写了。无论如何，把the 改成this会给读者更亲近的感觉。

ljm001 · 发表于: 星期五三月 17, 2006 1:32 am 发表主题:

雪泥 · 发表于: 星期一四月 17, 2006 11:58 am 发表主题: Re: On the Spring Day