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poet_sq[双庆]
poet_sq作品集
五品知州
（再努力一把就是四品大员了！）
注册时间: 2006-01-06
帖子: 166
来自: -----见主页.
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 发表于: 星期一 一月 09, 2006 9:57 pm 发表主题: Homesickness ---------- poet_sq |
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Homesickness
poet_sq
Pieces of pale clouds are flitting in the sky,
Seem to be going back with homesickness of mine.
The swift current goes alone the murmuring brook line,
I know myself why or for what I cry.
Never has the autumn wind hesitated to die,
Just unable to recover the past dreams to refine.
How can I ask the wild geese to promise high,
Let me have their wings for a return fly.
( Sept. 2, 1981 )
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星子[ANNA]
星子作品集
酷我！I made it！
注册时间: 2004-06-05
帖子: 13192
来自: Toronto
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| 发表于: 星期一 一月 09, 2006 10:27 pm 发表主题: |
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it flows well.
nice images.
_________________
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poet_sq[双庆]
poet_sq作品集
五品知州
（再努力一把就是四品大员了！）
注册时间: 2006-01-06
帖子: 166
来自: -----见主页.
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| 发表于: 星期四 一月 19, 2006 11:48 pm 发表主题: --- |
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| ------Thank you for you kind words! |
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ljm001[星海]
ljm001作品集
五品知州
（再努力一把就是四品大员了！）
注册时间: 2006-01-15
帖子: 152
来自: 大连
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| 发表于: 星期五 一月 20, 2006 1:09 am 发表主题: with the same sort of mood |
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A very vivid expression of that kind of state of mind and mood.
"Pieces of pale clouds (are) flitting in the sky(,)
Seem to be going back with homesickness of mine. "
Is it better for the flow of words and sound and rhythm?
_________________
听坡上林涛低鸣，看崖下海浪拍岸 |
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poet_sq[双庆]
poet_sq作品集
五品知州
（再努力一把就是四品大员了！）
注册时间: 2006-01-06
帖子: 166
来自: -----见主页.
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| 发表于: 星期五 一月 20, 2006 9:18 am 发表主题: --- |
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---Thank you "ljm001" !
I hope to get more information to improve it.
Do you mean that I should delete the words in the bracket as you indicated ? |
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ljm001[星海]
ljm001作品集
五品知州
（再努力一把就是四品大员了！）
注册时间: 2006-01-15
帖子: 152
来自: 大连
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| 发表于: 星期五 一月 20, 2006 11:46 pm 发表主题: Re: --- |
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| poet_sq 写到: | ---Thank you "ljm001" !
I hope to get more information to improve it.
Do you mean that I should delete the words in the bracket as you indicated ? |
Yes, I do. Just for your reference.
Here's the original:
Pieces of pale clouds are flitting in the sky,
Seem to be going back with homesickness of mine.
------------------
For today, while writing a poem, we pay more attention to the content of the poem than its form.
However, the above tow sentences happen to have a kind of pattern in terms of the number of syllables: the first one 11 and the second 12.
In this case, if we add one more to or take one off the first sentence to make its syllables even as in the second sentence, it may sound pleasent, because the two sentences have similar rhythm pattern as well.
I prefer to take the word "are" off. It also makes the first sentence go swiftly.
If we like soft sounds at the beginning of the first sentence and at the same time pose a nice picture in our readers' mind, I would rather use the word "patch" to replace the word "piece".
Here's the revised:
Patches of pale clouds flitting in the sky
Seem to be going back with homesickness of mine.
---------------
How do you think?
Thank you for your encouraging questions.
_________________
听坡上林涛低鸣，看崖下海浪拍岸 |
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poet_sq[双庆]
poet_sq作品集
五品知州
（再努力一把就是四品大员了！）
注册时间: 2006-01-06
帖子: 166
来自: -----见主页.
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| 发表于: 星期五 一月 27, 2006 7:58 pm 发表主题: ---- |
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---- Oh, great! Thank you for your revision. You are right, I accept.
You're good at English poems and I'm not, I admit. I learn alot form you.
I hope I can learn more here in the coming days.
---- And, Spring Festival's greetings! |
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