酷我-北美枫

星子 · 发表于: 星期四十一月 24, 2005 11:45 pm 发表主题:

But I want to open the window which blows chill wind

-----
I will light the candle when you fall down in the cold night

(suggest to change)
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何兆龙 · 发表于: 星期五十一月 25, 2005 10:54 pm 发表主题:

虽然是在使用一种不习惯的语言，但意象基本表达出来了。或者说，即使没有中文诗，英诗本身也表达了一定的意象。BLUE ICE 现在应该不断地写下去，边写边完善。避免用一些生涩的词，越简单的词越好。比如你的第一句用词，SUPERIOR，英语的解释应该是：THE FEELING OF BEING BETTER THAN OTHERS，高贵，上等的意思。如果是清高，不食人间烟火，我觉得UNWORLDLY比较好一些。像IMPAVID这种词，稍嫌生涩，FEARLESS就好了嘛。第一段可否这样：
Poet
I mean, an unworldly and fearless one
You give all the luxury and nobleness to your verse
But left pennyless and loneliness
yourself

雪泥

Blue Ice · 发表于: 星期六十一月 26, 2005 9:38 am 发表主题:

谢谢各位的建议和点评. 杂乱无绪的繁忙总算到了尾声, 但愿从今后可静下来修身养性, 慢慢琢磨朋友们对用词和语意，语境, 韵律等多方面的建议
很欣赏朋友的一句话, 最好的诗歌还没写出来. 诗歌于我, 同样永无止境, 更何况英文是我们的第二语言. 我会试着借鉴朋友们的各种意见再对此诗作些修改,这也是一个学习,交流,提高的过程.....
再次感谢朋友们的点评, 盼望更多些这样的互动

Blue Ice · 发表于: 星期日十一月 27, 2005 7:44 pm 发表主题:

各位朋友, 我作了些修改.

To You

(1)

A poet
I mean,
an unworldly and fearless poet.
You have give to the poetry
all of your luxury and nobleness words.
Yet
you have left all of your life
with penury and loneliness.
(1)

诗人
我是说
一个清高, 无畏的诗人
你把豪华和高贵的文字
全部留给了诗歌
却用贫穷和孤独
写尽了自己的一生

(2)

Stringed player
You flow the refined music with soft fingers
and perform the “ instrumental performance” with words
you are not playing the chord
but pounding the blood vessel
with vibrato life

(2)

琴师
手指轻柔
用字母演奏高山流水
弹拨的
不是琴弦, 而是
血脉
激荡生活的颤音
(3)

Intimate
Reading you from far away.
I have never had a hope
to become your dear friend.
But I want to open the window, which blows chill wind
as the flowers and the praises brim your life.
At the quiet cold night,
I will use the weeping candle
light you a soft sweet.

(3)

知音
远远的
读你
却从未奢望成为
你的知音

只想
在溢满鲜花和赞美的日子
悄悄推开
那扇吹着北风的后窗
在寂寥冷清的寒夜
用流泪的残烛
为你
点燃一束
淡淡的温馨

Blue Ice · 发表于: 星期三十一月 30, 2005 9:25 pm 发表主题:

Helen 给这首加了个标题
再改

冰上舞者

诗人
打动了她
寒冰包裹的心

象热吻的情人
绽放美妙的笑容
缠绕的手臂
相依在彼此肩头
诗人轻启樱唇

她的裙子
就象冰层下柔软的皱折
向湖面舒展
金色的火炎从困顿中升腾

在那夜间敞开的窗
拒绝了诗人最后的出口

她喊着
他们跳着
她的眼睛或许会
再一次闪亮

原诗:
作者: Helen McEwen

The Ice Dancer

and so the poet beats
her heart beneath
the ice

as two lovers move
kissy happy across her
screaming face, they link
arms and rest their heads
in sway, as poetess spreads

her skirt like soft pleats
beneath the ice
somewhere across the lake
there comes a pining open
yellow flame that rests

itself in an open window of the night
refusing
the last exit
of a stranded poet

she cries
they dance
her eyes
perchance
will come to shine
again

为尊重诗歌原作者Helen McEwen的意见, 此文及译文享有出版权，任何团体和个人未经允许不得转载

和平岛 · 发表于: 星期日十二月 04, 2005 12:31 pm 发表主题:

(1)
Poet

For the poetry
he strips himself of all his luxury and nobleness

And left with poverty and loneliness

I mean
the solemn and fearless one

(2)
Stringed player

Your fingers touch
mountains and rivers
With strings

I mean, you are pounding
the life
With your blood vessels

(3)
Intimate

From the distance, I
read you
with an extravagant hope

As a chill wind
blows through the rear window
I am lighting up a candle
weeping a soft wish

雪泥 · 发表于: 星期日十二月 04, 2005 2:42 pm 发表主题: 还可斟酌

雪泥 · 发表于: 星期日十二月 04, 2005 2:48 pm 发表主题: 回岛主

不行，不能单独看你的英文，我还得看白水的原文
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和平岛 · 发表于: 星期日十二月 04, 2005 3:11 pm 发表主题:

(1)
Poet

For the poetry
he strips himself of all his luxury and nobleness

left with poverty and loneliness

I mean
the solemn and fearless one

(2)
Stringed player

You touch
mountains and rivers
With strings

I mean, you are pounding
the life
With your blood vessels

(3)
Intimate

From the distance
I read you
with an extravagant hope

As a chill wind
blows the rear window open
to starlight

I am lighting up a candle
weeping a soft wish

白水 · 发表于: 星期日十二月 04, 2005 3:12 pm 发表主题:

MY GOD! 没想到这么多人在帮我, 再深冷的冰也会为朋友们慷慨相助的热情融化. 我就撕了这遮羞布吧, 雪泥, 所有BLUE ICE 的帖都是白水的, 见笑了.
任何事物的开端都是艰辛的, 朋友, 有了你们, 相信我会PUSH自己慢慢走出困境. 再次谢谢你们, 秋叶,PEACE, 星子, 何兆龙, 还有新朋友雪泥.

和平岛 · 发表于: 星期日十二月 04, 2005 3:28 pm 发表主题: Re: 还可斟酌

雪泥

(3)

Intimate
Reading you from far away.
I have never had a hope
to become your dear friend.
But I want to open the window, which blows chill wind
as the flowers and the praises brim your life.
At the quiet cold night,
I will use the weeping candle
light you a soft sweet.

(3)

Intimate

Read you from a distance
But never attach any extravagant hope
for being your intimate

North wind through the rear window
I only want to quietly open it
at the very day full of flowers and praises
OR
Let me light a bunch of soft warmth
for you with an expiring candle
which was weeping
at the lonesome and cold night

知音
远远的
读你
却从未奢望成为
你的知音

只想
在溢满鲜花和赞美的日子
悄悄推开
那扇吹着北风的后窗
在寂寥冷清的寒夜
用流泪的残烛
为你
点燃一束
淡淡的温馨
_________________
雪泥长篇《趟过祖母河》全本
雪泥小说选新浪连载

雪泥 · 发表于: 星期日十二月 04, 2005 4:15 pm 发表主题: Re: 还可斟酌

雪泥 · 发表于: 星期日十二月 04, 2005 4:16 pm 发表主题:

在接力比赛，很好玩，我去睡le
_________________
雪泥长篇《趟过祖母河》全本
雪泥小说选新浪连载