酷我-北美枫

星子 · 发表于: 星期二五月 24, 2005 10:19 pm 发表主题: 作别向日葵

所有的箭对着天空，
也射不下太阳，
一转眼的回眸，
金黄的脸盛满泪水。
花瓣雨如期而至，
谁的眼睛长满忧郁的草，
风中燎燎地烧。

那些浮萍，游鱼，
那些云影，轻风--
都留在身后
麦黄的热浪中。

转不出的背影，
点点溅落的莲心，
谁的手中，箭
揣得紧紧，
射向落日的腥红。

-----
A million arrows aiming at the sky,
The sun hasn’t been shot down.
In a glance, looking back,
the sunflower’s golden face is full of tears.
Mourning grasses grow high in my eyes,
burn flames in the wind.

Those duckweeds and swimming fishes,
those floating clouds and breezes,
all are behind me
in the warm waves and lonely songs.

I lose my way in turning,
and feel my lotus core in pieces.
With arrows sifting through my hand,
I see sunset in crimson.

icecanadaice · 发表于: 星期二五月 24, 2005 10:53 pm 发表主题:

所有的箭对着天空，
也射不下太阳

日落是因为要作别.

和平岛 · 发表于: 星期二五月 24, 2005 11:31 pm 发表主题:

作别向日葵

很忧伤
写得也很好的, 真的, 题目都好呀

庞非 · 发表于: 星期三五月 25, 2005 4:49 am 发表主题:

谁的眼睛长满忧郁的草，
风中燎燎地烧。

经典

星子 · 发表于: 星期三五月 25, 2005 9:45 am 发表主题:

谢谢大家。。。在我想要放弃的时候，谢谢你们的鼓励。。。。

加了英文版了。。。
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星子 · 发表于: 星期三五月 25, 2005 9:46 am 发表主题:

Lavender -

The imagery is fabulous! This is as exquisite a poem as I've read in a long while. I'll just touch up your syntax so it makes 100% grammatical sense and leave it at that.

With millions (a million arrows) aiming at the sky,
The sun hasn’t be(been) shot down.
In a glance(,) [of] looking back,
The sunflower’s golden face is full of tears.
Mourning grasses grow high in my eyes,
burn flames in the wind. ....... beautiful!!!

Those duckweeds and swimming fishes,
those floating clouds and breezes,
all are behind me
in the warm waves and lonely songs. ..... wow!

I lose my way in turning,
and feel my lotus’ core in pieces.
With arrows sifting through my hand,
I see sunset in crimson.

The third stanza is amazing. The speaker becomes part of the way she sees nature, as dissolving, so that the brightest things are full of sorrow. Her lotus' core, which should be balanced, can't hold her heart together.

You could probably do without the apostrophe in lotus'; I think "lotus core" would work just as well.

Anyway, lovely work. I wouldn't suggest revising more than the mechanical elements. Changing anything more would destroy the dream and the magic.

Brenda
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林溪 · 发表于: 星期五五月 27, 2005 2:15 am 发表主题:

第一句特别出彩！
问好星子姐姐。

肖今 · 发表于: 星期五五月 27, 2005 11:08 am 发表主题:

转不出的背影，
点点溅落的莲心，
谁的手中，箭
揣得紧紧，
射向落日的腥红。

姐姐,不要放弃!哪怕有再多的苦痛,也不要割裂这一份诗情,还有我们大家的友情
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░░破茧成蝶眼泪，从此不咸░░

NO FOREVER , ONLY LONGER！

星子 · 发表于: 星期六五月 28, 2005 10:43 pm 发表主题:

谢林溪！

西施MM，你有没有一样的苦恼? 就是意识到自己的局限，又提不上去。。。

林溪 · 发表于: 星期六五月 28, 2005 10:47 pm 发表主题:

几位姐姐、哥哥们有没有QQ啊？
我的号：32414007

水稻 · 发表于: 星期三六月 01, 2005 3:15 am 发表主题:

写得忧伤美丽，喜欢。

星子 · 发表于: 星期三六月 01, 2005 5:51 pm 发表主题:

Thanks 水稻, 林溪...

I will keep on writing..

Cheers!
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星子 · 发表于: 星期日十一月 27, 2005 8:15 pm 发表主题: final

Farewell to Sunflowers

A million arrows aimed at the sky,
yet the sun hasn’t been shot down.
Glancing back,
their golden faces are full of tears.
Mourning grasses grow high in my eyes,
burn flames in the wind.

Those duckweeds and swimming fishes,
those floating clouds and breezes,
are all behind me
in warm waves and lonely songs.

I lose my way in turning,
and feel my lotus core in pieces.
With arrows sifting through my hand,
I see sunset in crimson.

作别向日葵
一百万只箭对准天空，
也射不下太阳，
一转眼的回眸，
金黄的脸盛满泪水。
我的眼睛长满忧郁的草，
风中燎燎地烧。

那些浮萍，游鱼，
那些云影，轻风--
都留在身后
麦黄的热浪中。

转弯处我已迷途，
碎裂片片莲心，
箭从手中穿过，
看得见落日的腥红。

杯中冲浪 · 发表于: 星期日十一月 27, 2005 11:28 pm 发表主题:

语言极美，改后更容易理解。艺术本就如此，当你难过得想放弃时，正是你升华来临的那一刻。
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靠近神的烛光读书

星子 · 发表于: 星期日十一月 27, 2005 11:46 pm 发表主题:

谢谢北方狼的理解。。。

电视采访中，他们问起我的苦恼，我如实说此。。。谢谢大家的鼓励。
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