酷我-北美枫

[星子]

I will go further
on a summer night,
rest on moonlit blossom.

I will ask clouds
weaving their magic,
leaves shutting their eyes.

I won't let go of
cool fireflies or hot gazes,
till the cocoon unwraps.

On a sudden turn,
my wish as a butterfly
is for the wind to reveal
your whisper.

[[ANNA]]

I will go further
on a summer night,
rest on moonlit blossom.

I will ask clouds
weaving their magic,
leaves shutting their eyes.

I won't let go of
cool fireflies or hot gazes,
till the cocoon unwraps.

On a sudden turn,
my wish as a butterfly
is for the wind to reveal
your whisper.

[星子]

----here also post my friend's comments---

I will go further
on a summer night,
rest on moonlit blossom.

Excellent opening! I was hooked immediately.
very pretty imagery, as I've noticed yours always seems to be. I love reading your poetry, such a gentle voice.

I will ask clouds
weaving their magic,
leaves shutting their eyes.

I found myself wondering what you would ask...

But I won't let go
cool fireflies and hot gazes,
till the cocoon unwrapped.

This is very interesting imagery
'cool fireflies' is just nice. I think you should use "unwraps" though to avoid a tense shift in your verbs

On a sudden turn,
my wish as a butterfly
will be presented,
for the wind reveal that whisper,

from you.


You need a comma after 'wish' to create that pause and clarity here and add the word "to" between 'wind' and 'reveal'

Overall, as I said, a very pretty and peaceful piece.
~Erin
_________________

[[ANNA]]

----here also post my friend's comments---

I will go further
on a summer night,
rest on moonlit blossom.

Excellent opening! I was hooked immediately.
very pretty imagery, as I've noticed yours always seems to be. I love reading your poetry, such a gentle voice.

I will ask clouds
weaving their magic,
leaves shutting their eyes.

I found myself wondering what you would ask...

But I won't let go
cool fireflies and hot gazes,
till the cocoon unwrapped.

This is very interesting imagery
'cool fireflies' is just nice. I think you should use "unwraps" though to avoid a tense shift in your verbs

On a sudden turn,
my wish as a butterfly
will be presented,
for the wind reveal that whisper,

from you.


You need a comma after 'wish' to create that pause and clarity here and add the word "to" between 'wind' and 'reveal'

Overall, as I said, a very pretty and peaceful piece.
~Erin
_________________

[和平岛]

优美的女人和诗

[[我还没有昵称]]

优美的女人和诗

[星子]

Thanks... post another good poet's comments... Since I really love his view.

(loving poetry also let me love poets.... thanks all those wonderful poets...let me find myself)

Okay. This is again, if I hadn't said enough, such a fine
poem, anna. It is worth coming back to - but
at first I thought: I'll back off, let her play with it, let her
consider Bren's suggestion, etc.

The reason I'm back is to emphasize the importance
of the final stanza in this hymn of the self. The structure
begs for the final to be crisp and clear. It is, as Ed Hirsch
says, the epiphany section. And, much like Elizabeth Bishop's
In the Waiting Room poem, you signal this clearly with the
phrase On a sudden turn.

And before I leave you with how I hear the rest of that last
strophe, anna - I want to say how amazing I find your courage
and the beauty of your spirit. If I were twenty-something again
you might also have inspired me to learn Chinese - sadly though
I'm too old and lazy too go sticking anymore languages in my poor
brain.

Hopefully, this helps - but also retains your unique and lovely
voice. (I certainly recognize there are many ways to play with these
last lines - and your choice simply depends on your desire and intention).


Quote:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
On a sudden turn,
my wish as a butterfly
is for the wind to reveal
the whisper
from you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



One last note: The reading above emphasizes the significance of whisper.
If you wanted to give more emphasis to the one from whom
the whisper comes - then it would read:


Quote:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
On a sudden turn,
my wish as a butterfly
is for the wind to reveal
your whisper.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[[ANNA]]

Thanks... post another good poet's comments... Since I really love his view.

(loving poetry also let me love poets.... thanks all those wonderful poets...let me find myself)

Okay. This is again, if I hadn't said enough, such a fine
poem, anna. It is worth coming back to - but
at first I thought: I'll back off, let her play with it, let her
consider Bren's suggestion, etc.

The reason I'm back is to emphasize the importance
of the final stanza in this hymn of the self. The structure
begs for the final to be crisp and clear. It is, as Ed Hirsch
says, the epiphany section. And, much like Elizabeth Bishop's
In the Waiting Room poem, you signal this clearly with the
phrase On a sudden turn.

And before I leave you with how I hear the rest of that last
strophe, anna - I want to say how amazing I find your courage
and the beauty of your spirit. If I were twenty-something again
you might also have inspired me to learn Chinese - sadly though
I'm too old and lazy too go sticking anymore languages in my poor
brain.

Hopefully, this helps - but also retains your unique and lovely
voice. (I certainly recognize there are many ways to play with these
last lines - and your choice simply depends on your desire and intention).


Quote:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
On a sudden turn,
my wish as a butterfly
is for the wind to reveal
the whisper
from you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



One last note: The reading above emphasizes the significance of whisper.
If you wanted to give more emphasis to the one from whom
the whisper comes - then it would read:


Quote:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
On a sudden turn,
my wish as a butterfly
is for the wind to reveal
your whisper.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------