酷我-北美枫

[主持]

二

敏儿恐怕是中国最早一批的下岗女工之一。早在1982年的时候，敏儿就下岗了。
敏儿从上班开始工作，到下岗，仅三年的过度时间。

敏儿常对人讲，在她这一辈子当中，吃大锅饭，享受社会主义优越性的待遇，对她而言仅三年的光景而已。她说她现在捧的是随时都会被人砸碎的泥饭碗。只是在敏儿下岗的那阵子，社会上还没有流行“下岗”二字。当时称下岗工人为“待业”或“待岗”。敏儿记得好清楚哦，企业改革的初始，叫了一个非常民主也非常冠冕堂皇的名子“自由组合”，也有叫“优化组合”的。也就是说，企业人员结构形式，由原先的组织统一安排，变为由各大小承包头“择优录用”（谁也不知这些承包头们是由谁、以什么样的标准来“择优录用”他们）。但是就敏儿所体验到的，所看到的所谓的“企业改革”，其实是国有资产和集体资产，被少数打着“改革”晃子的腐败分子肆无忌惮地侵吞瓦解；所谓“优化组合”无非就是“裙带组合”。

敏儿清清楚楚看到她们的厂，就是这样被一帮腐败分子分割掉的。敏儿在她所工作过的木器厂垮掉之后很长一段时间，都缓不过劲来。她既伤感又伤心和迷茫得不得了。她弄不懂社会上所发生的一切。她恨不得让自己变成一个小甲虫，永远龟缩在一个不被人注意的地方。这个地方一定要使她看不到人间的肮脏、龌龊、凶残、狡诈、弱肉强食、贪官污吏……

在敏儿的记忆中，“优化组合”是中国最早的企业改革。敏儿就是在这最早的企业改革中被“优化”掉了的。敏儿的姐妹们有时就开敏儿的玩笑说：敏儿是我们这个家族中改革的先驱，最早将自己的铁饭碗砸碎，投身市场经济的竞争之中。对这样的玩笑，敏儿总是付之以苦笑。或者说一些类似于“饱人不知饿人饥”的话，算是对姐妹们的玩笑的一个小小的还击。

那个时候，敏儿不是在武汉市，而是在她的老家水柳镇上的一个木器厂上班。这个木器厂的规模不是很大，大约百把人。可是，别看这个不足百人的小厂，可真称得上是企业改革的典范。改革的春风（敏儿说是残酷的冬风）一刮到那个小镇，木器厂立马行动起来。没要三二天功夫，一个好端端的工厂就给彻底解体了。木器厂的锯板车间被敏儿的师兄黑子承包了；油漆车间被厂长的小舅子承包了；还有最出经济效益的木工车间，被厂长自己承包了。带敏儿的师傅是个50多岁的老油漆匠，据说这个木器厂是由他一手创办的。他不忍心看着由自己一手创办的集体企业就这样一夜之间化为乌有，愤愤然臭骂了一通厂长是“败家子”，“资本家”之后，背起行李拂袖而去。

实事求是地说，当时厂长还是挽留过敏儿和敏儿的师傅的。敏儿的师傅自不必说，他看不惯这种“败家子”式的改革，他是断然不会留下来的。而当时的敏儿，心气也是傲得很，随着师傅一唱一合：“我才不给你们这些新型的资本家做奴隶。”

毫无疑问，1982年就自动离职的敏儿唯一的出路就是——回家。在这个时候，敏儿是无论如何也想象不到，回家“待岗”对她这一辈子将意味着什么。或者说，这一次的回家“待岗”将彻底改变她的整个人生命运，她也无所察觉。她当时还天真地想，这种将集体企业承包到个人的现象一定是错误的，暂时的，是兔子的尾巴——长不了的。她说“社会主义是不会让工人没饭吃，让资本主义现象存在的。”

初中还没读完就参加了工作的敏儿以她朴素的感情洞察社会，感悟世事。她坚定地认为，企业如此改革，是一种非正常社会现象，是搞资本主义复辟。这种非正常现象，终有一天会被纠正过来的。因此，她当初离开木器厂时，走得义无反顾，走得很有一些悲壮的意味。她坚定地认为她的行为是在捍卫某种东西。这东西是什么呢？她想了好几天，结果她想出来了，她所要捍卫的那种东西就是使人人都有饭吃的——社会主义制度。她认为自己是在为“主义” 而战。她为自己的这种高觉悟和壮举的确感动了。因此，她觉得自己没接受厂长要她留下来的请求是对的，她觉得自己“很无产阶级、很革命”了一回。她相信，总有那么一天，会有人将她们这些“工人阶级”请回单位，重新让他们做企业的主人的。她做梦也没想到她这一等，就等了快二十年也没有谁来问津她现在生活得怎样。更没有谁来请她们回去做什么企业的主人。

现在回忆起来，那个小小的木器厂，敏儿还是很怀念的。她常常对别人讲起“那时我们厂的馍馍做得真是又大又甜又香。那像现在，馍馍，油条都是用洗衣粉发起来的。一点嚼头都没有不说，还害得人得一些奇奇怪怪的病。”

是的，敏儿那时觉得天底下最好吃的东西，莫过于她们厂食堂做出来的又大又香不是很白的馍馍。她每次回家休息时，总是忘不了要带些馍馍回家。她认为这是她带给母亲和妹妹们的最好礼物。敏儿觉得那时的生活，真是过得简单又充满着人间温情。

敏儿至今还非常怀念她同寝室的纳英。纳英是一个天真活泼又热情大方的回族姑娘。她的父母亲都是铁路工人。纳英家的经济条件，在敏儿工作的那个小镇，算是优越得不得了的。纳英时常将敏儿带到她的家中，要她的妈妈给她们做好吃的解馋。她和纳英在一起的日子，真是过得无忧无虑快活极了。工厂虽小，工资虽低，但她们从来没有自卑感和危机感。她们从来就是坚定不移地认为自己是国家的真正主人，是工厂的真正主人，是顶天立地的工人阶级。是社会的栋梁……

工人阶级在那个时候可是领导一切的阶级呵。那个时候小镇的人们见到刚参加工作的熟人就说：“呵，你工人阶级了”的那种口气，充满羡慕。

在一切商品都需持票证供应的计划经济年代，敏儿觉得，自己参加了工作就是把一切交给了国家和这个集体。同时她坚信，国家和集体也会将她们这一辈子的生老病死等等一切都安排得顺顺当当的。这就是因为种种原因没等初中毕业，就就了业的敏儿当时的真实想法。当然当然，在那个年代有这种思想意识的绝对不仅仅是敏儿或敏儿的同事们。可以说，那是那个时代的特征。只要你进了单位，无论这个单位的规模大小，经济效益如何（在敏儿的记忆中，在计划经济年代，每一个企业好像永远是赢利的，没有亏损这一说。），你就等于进了保险箱（不是保险公司），你的一切的一切，单位都会为你大包大揽下来。

这种大包大揽，在新工人刚上班时，接受工厂对新工人教育的第一天就开始了。比喻：敏儿们上班的第一天，厂长就将她和几个刚招进工厂的新工人带着，在小得可怜的木器厂化了不到半个小时的时间转了一圈后说：你们从今天起，就一切都交给了国家和这个集体。木器厂就是你们的家，你们就是工厂的主人。有什么困难和思想问题都要积极主动地向组织反映，汇报，组织随时都会为你们排忧解难……等等等等。这些年仅十五六岁的新工人听着这样的话，心里暖暖的，热热的。他们一个个被厂长的一席话感动得热泪盈眶激动不已……

亲爱的读者，让我们来回想一下，在这种时候，谁会想到会有下岗的那一天在不远的将来在等待着他们这群孩子们去承受和面对呢？再比喻：敏儿们上班没多久，就亲眼目睹了一件充分体现集体大家庭温暖的事儿。

这件事儿的发生经过是这样的：敏儿她们这拨新工人上班没多久，单位就出了一件事故。采购员李四清出差东北的途中出了车祸，差点将小命丢在了东北。单位接到电报后当即派人去了东北。很快李四清被接回到湖北。回湖北后，李四清根本就没有回水柳小镇，而是被直接送进了武汉协和医院。尔后，全木器厂的干部职工几乎人人都轮番着到武汉看了他，有的甚至反反复复去看过好几次。因为去看李四清的所有费用，全由工厂报销。工厂还专门派人在武汉协和医院侍候他将近三个月。李四清是由农村招进工厂的职工，他的农村亲戚们来来往往如同过流水席般地往武汉跑的吃、住、拉、撒的一切费用，也全都由工厂负责。

李四清事件的发生，对敏儿这些刚参加工作的人来说，无疑是一堂生动的社会主义大家庭的教育课。还比喻：职工的生老病死,婚、丧、嫁、娶、一应都由单位安排。甚至因自身条件差或其它原因，而找不到对象的大龄男女青年，单位领导都要将其纳入议事日程，并且如同父母般为你张罗着找对象。一个不行找二个二个不行找三个三个不行找四个四个不行……总之，一直找到你满意为止。

……敏儿常常想起那个时候的日子，回想在木器厂工作时，既简单又温馨踏实的生活，就觉得现在生活得真是没有个人样。

敏儿自1982年待岗至今，已有近二十年了。这近二十年的变化是：敏儿先是在乡下的婆婆家生活了好几年，农村的生活使敏儿由一个小城的女孩儿变成了一个地地道道的乡下媳妇。如果不是发生了一件使敏儿不能容忍的事情（关于这件事，本来是个非常好的情节，但本文主人翁敏儿始终不同意我将其写出来。为了尊重她，我也就在此打住。但是一思量，又觉得对不起读者，那么我在括号内这样写上一句可否，“敏儿的谁谁……竟然……”可是我还是不能继续写下去了，否则，我会失信于敏儿。对不起了，亲爱的读者）敏儿在武汉铁路局工作的男人是断断不会将敏儿由乡下迁移到武汉来的。

在乡下生活的那几年光景，敏儿真是一点儿也不想去回忆。想想那些日子，敏儿的心就堵得慌。总算在1990年的时候，敏儿的男人将她及他们的儿子的户口由那个破烂不堪的小乡镇迁移到了武汉，敏儿总算重新过上了城市人的生活。

虽说已是城里人了，但敏儿在这个大都市里，日子过得不是很顺心。好几年的城市生活并没有使敏儿感觉到自己是大都市的人。无论是衣着打扮或是生活习惯，敏儿还是保持着一种本原或本色。家庭的窘困使她无法融进大都市的生活潮流之中。

保持本原或本色，其实不是敏儿的本意。她的这种心思曾在同家属院的嫂子们扎堆时，就有意无意地表露过。她说：“我还不是想烫烫头发，穿穿羊皮大衣，穿穿踩脚裤，穿穿高跟鞋，背个时髦的坤包，每天早晨像别人家那样，全家都到外面过早（吃早点）。可钱哪里来呀？”宽裕的生活、阔绰的穿戴其实是敏儿做梦都向往的。可是敏儿由1990年迁居武汉至今，工作一直没一个着落。这个现实，无论对敏儿本人或敏儿的家庭，都是残酷无情的，它直接导致了敏儿家庭生活的贫困和窘态；它使敏儿活得无滋无味；它使敏儿的家庭经济状况始终处在危机之中。

当然，敏儿的户口刚迁移到武汉来的时候，还是有过一阵子的喜悦。不管怎么着，总算摆脱了因不会干农活而时常挨婆母小姑子骂及公爹不怀好意的纠缠的日子；不管怎么说，分居多年的夫妻生活总算结束了。可是好景不长哦，没要多久，经济的拮据和工作的无着又使敏儿愁上心头……当然，在工作无着的这几年中，敏儿也不是说完全没有找到过工作。比喻：丈夫一个工班的钳工余洁菲，曾非常热心地在郊区一个部队招待所，为敏儿找了一份当招待员的工作。敏儿也欢天喜地地去上过几天班。最后因儿子太小，中途又不能回家喂奶加上丈夫经常出差，家中无人照料，不得不弃之。后来儿子长大了一点，又找过几次工作。到餐馆端盘子、洗碗；给有钱人家做钟点工；在停车场收费等等。凡重活，脏活，无人干的活，敏儿都干过。最后都因敏儿体力不支中途病倒而被人一次次辞退。

每被辞退一次，对敏儿的打击就加重一次。敏儿刚到武汉来的一点点喜悦和微乎其微的自信心，在这一次次被辞退的打击中消解殆尽。敏儿简直觉得自己是个一文钱不值的废物。她在生活的现实中无论如何也找不到她的人生坐标了。她迷失了。她将自己迷失在无边无际的生活的汪洋大海之中……

敏儿的身体本不是很弱，可是在一次次的辞退中，她的身心都受到了沉重的打击.在她迁居武汉的第三个年头，她终是不堪重负，一种奇怪的病缠上她身。使她变得弱不禁风。任何大一丁点儿的声音都会使她受到惊吓，严重时甚至晕死过去，全身痉挛，口吐白沫……敏儿的这种病使她吃了不少苦头，也使她失去很多机遇。

敏儿日渐衰弱的身子使本是拮据的家庭生活更是雪上加霜。

说来也怪，敏儿现在干的活儿，比以前所有的工作都累，都脏，敏儿却坚持了下来，一干就是三年多了。在这三年的期间里，敏儿不是没病过。尤其是夏天，几乎是敏儿的发病高峰期。她常常在干着干着活儿的时候就突然晕倒在地。按说，这种情况下，她是完全应该休息的。可是她从来没休过一天病假。为什么？就因为她是临时工。临时工是没有节假日的。不仅如此，甚至连吃中午饭的时间也没有。敏儿常常在上班前就将中午的饭做好，如果是冬天，敏儿就将做好的饭菜放在保温瓶中，如果是夏季，她就将做好的饭菜放在一般的饭盒内带上。到吃午饭时，扫地扫到那儿了，就在那儿将扫帚放倒，人就坐在扫帚把上吃饭。在冬季的时候，敏儿吃的饭多数是冰冰凉的，而在夏季，敏儿吃到口中的饭都已做馊味了。可是敏儿还是得吃，不然，下午哪来力气干活呢……

那一天不是星期天，可是在省外贸学校读书的儿子突然回来，说他不想读书了。十六岁的儿子在说这句话时，带着哭腔，双眼泪汪汪的，像是受了天大的委屈。同儿子一样想痛哭一场的敏儿不知道儿子为何突然言说不读书。

是为钱吗？敏儿一下子就想到了“钱”——这个牵制着整个人类神经的可恶的玩艺儿（这玩艺儿真是功力超凡。它使人富贵、它使人贫穷、它使人严志、它使人淫荡、它使人入地狱、它使人上天堂…… ）。
时下已是5月中旬，敏儿记得早在刚开学的第一个星期天，儿子就拿回学校关于集资的通知单。通知单上有蛮多蛮多的理由讲明学校为什么为什么要学生集资，并限定了交集资款项的日期。好像是3月底，最迟不能超过4月中旬，否则后果自负。虽然没讲明应负什么样的后果，但态度的强硬是显而易见的。

不用说，儿子黎黎突然说不想读书，一定是与那个450元的集资款项没交有关。想到此，一种对儿子深重的愧疚感涌上敏儿的心头。她简直觉得自己不配做母亲。

可是她没有能力改变这一切呵。甚至她连让儿子的同学与自己见见面的勇气都没有……
哦，在这儿我该向亲爱的读者交待一下敏儿现在的工作：她是城市清洁工。这个工作从新闻媒体上的宣传上来看，是平凡而伟大的。甚至被誉为城市美容师（笔者早在几年前就写过关于环卫工人的纪实文学，由此笔者采访过大量的环卫工人。时至今日，那些流着泪对我讲述她们在工作时所受到的欺视，侮辱的情景还历历在目），可是这种工作落到生活的实处，落到某一个人的身上，它就没有那么多的光环可言了。干着这项工作的人所要承受的是更多的沉重和艰辛甚至屈辱。

对此，身为清洁工的敏儿是有太多太深的感触了。因此，自打她进了清洁工队伍的行列，她的头就没抬起过。她丝毫没有平凡（她连平凡的感觉都没有，哪儿还会有伟大之之感）感，只有深深的自卑和低微感。这种自卑感源自于社会的欺视和人们太多太多太多的白眼、蔑视。

记得去年儿子过生日，儿子的同学们在好几天前就闹着一定要利用这个机会到他们家来玩。儿子在上个星期天回家时，就将此事告诉了母亲。儿子说：“妈妈，我的同学下个星期三要到我们家来玩。他们说他们已在皇冠食品店给我定做了生日蛋糕。”儿子在说这话时，满脸的幸福。

星期三是阴历五月初六，这一天是黎儿的生日。已做母亲十多年的敏儿当然比谁都记得这一天，比谁都珍视这一天。然而，她从来没有为儿子大张旗鼓地过个什么生日。充其量在儿子生日的那一天，认真地为儿子做一碗肉丝或鸡蛋长寿面什么的。黎儿很是懂事的，他知道家中生活的艰难，过生日时，从不像别人家的孩子那样，闹着吵着要上“麦当劳”啊“肯特鸡”呀什么快餐店。更别说要父母亲到哪个店为自己定做昂贵的生日蛋糕啊什么的。

听说黎儿的同学们要为黎儿过生日，还为他特意定做了生日蛋糕，敏儿既为儿子感到高兴，也为自己的家境窘困感到心酸和歉疚。这是儿子第一次过一个有生日蛋糕的生日，而且是他的同学们为他定做的。

到星期三的这一天，敏儿狠了狠心，到集贸市场买了些鲜鱼鲜肉新鲜蔬菜什么的，给儿子及儿子的同学做了一顿丰盛的晚餐后，就独自出了家门。她要到哪儿去呢，说不清楚。反正她是不能呆在家中。她怕被儿子的同学们认出（她负责打扫卫生的地段正是儿子的学校附近，她给儿子以严厉的规定，上班的时候，不允许儿子来找她。），使儿子在同学们的面前再也抬不起头来。

户外的天空有些阴沉，出了屋的敏儿将有些单薄的外套紧了紧，便融入苍苍茫茫的夜色深处。蹒跚、落寞地走在黑夜中的敏儿抬头望了望天，她觉得天上稀稀疏疏的星星也在嘲笑她的窘态……她感到脸上有两条虫子在爬，冰凉冰凉的。她用手一摸，满手的泪……她仰望长空，任泪水长流…………

……躺在病床上的敏儿，将往事一件件地往外翻，想得很是心酸，想得眼泪直流。在所有回想的往事中，最让她心酸的是黎儿的同学为黎儿过生日的那个晚上。作为母亲，她是多么希望自己留下来为儿子的生日张罗。可是作为一个扫大街的，她又必须强迫自己离开……那一夜，她在外面漫无目的地转悠到深夜12点多钟……

****************

MinEr was probably one of the first group of female workers who were laid
off. MinEr began her unemployment as early as 1982. She only worked
for three years before being laid off. MinEr usually said to others that
it was only three years for her to hold the iron bowl (meaning a steady
job for life), and enjoyed the preferential treatment of the socialism. She
said that now her current job was not stable and she might lose it at anytime.
At the time MinEr lost her job, the word "Laid-off" was not yet used.
MinEr still remembered it clearly that, at that time, people who were unemployed were called Waiting for Work. As early as the Enterprise System Reform was established, so far as she could remember, it had very democratic and ear-pleasing names: Free Combination, or "Superiority combination".

In other words, the enterprise personnel structure changed from being originally given jobs by the government into contract system based on the selection of best personnel decided by contractors. (No one knew who the contractors were and followed what priority standards for the selection of so-called best personnel), but from MinEr's experiences and her eyes, the so-called Enterprise Reform System was that the state-owned assets and collective assets had been disintegrated and embezzled fearlessly by a small number of corrupt persons in the name of Reform. The so-called "Superiority Combination" was nothing more than "Nepotism".

As far as MinEr could remember, The "Superiority Combination" was the earliest enterprise reform in China. MinEr was the victim in that earliest reform process. Her female co-workers once teased her, saying, "In our big family, MinEr is the pioneer of the reform system--first one to lose her iron bowl, and participate in the competition of market economy." Usually MinEr would just give a wry smile for what they said or she might say something
like "The full people don't know the hunger of hungry people" as a little
counterattack to her joking friends.

At that time, MinEr was not living in Wuhan City. She was working for a
furniture company in Water Willow Town, her hometown. With approximately one hundred employees, the furniture company was not considered as a big company. But even if it was a small company without many workers, it was still a role model in the enterprise reform. When the so-called spring wind of reforms (the harsh winter wind as MinEr put it) blew across the small town, the company took actions right away. Only in two or three days, the company that had no problems at all was now taken apart completely. The sawdust workshop of the factory was contracted by Black Guy (a nickname), her senior fellow worker. The painting workshop was contracted by the director's brother-in-law,and the most profitable carpentry workshop was contracted by the director himself. The experienced painter, who was MinEr's master, was in his fifties, and they said that he was the one who founded the furniture company. Since he could not bear to see his own collective enterprise collapse overnight, he scolded the director angrily, calling him "the black sheep" and "capitalist"，and then he picked up his belongs and left the factory in a huff.

True to form, the director had tried to ask MinEr and her master to stay,
but in vain. MinEr's master could not stand that "Destruction" Style reform,
so he categorically refused to stay. And MinEr was too arrogant to continue in that job; so she followed suit, saying, "I will never slave for new capitalists like you. "

Without doubt, the only way out for MinEr, after she quit her job in 1982,
was to go home. At that time, it was hard for MinEr to imagine what in her
lifetime it would be like going home and waiting for work. In other words,
she had no idea how to go home this time and wait for employment that would change her life thoroughly. She was so naive back then, that she thought the phenomenon of contracting the collective enterprise into individual one must be a big mistake and it wouldn't last long--like a rabbit's tail that couldn't grow any longer.

She said, "The socialism won't let workers starve, and won't let the capitalism exist." Due to various reasons MinEr didn't even finish her junior high school before she started to work. So she could only look at the society
and understand things with her simple emotions. She firmly believed that
enterprises being reformed like that was an abnormal social phenomenon which was the restoration of capitalism, and this abnormal phenomenon would finally be corrected some day. Therefore, the day when she left the furniture factory,she walked out confidently with a sense of solemnity and bravery. She stubbornly believed what she did was to defend something. But what was that something?
After she thought for a few days over it, she figured out that that something
she defended was that everyone could have food to eat--that was socialism.
She thought she was fighting for that doctrine. She was even moved by her
high level of awareness and feats of bravery.

Therefore, she thought she was correct not to accept the director's request
to stay. She felt that she was really a proletarian and a revolutionary
for this once. She believed that one day all the working class like her
would be hired back by the company, and once again become the owners of
the enterprise. However, never did she dream that she would wait for almost twenty years, when no one cared about her and what life she was leading, no mention being hired back by the company or becoming the owner of it.

Now, in retrospect, MinEr still missed that small furniture factory. She
used to speak to others this way, "Back then steamed buns in our factory
canteen were big, sweet and delicious. They are not like those now which
are made from detergent-like yeast and hard to eat, but have also caused
people strange diseases. "
Yes, in those days MinEr felt that the most delicious food in the world
was nothing more than those huge, aromatic, yet not very white steamed buns produced by the canteen of her factory. Every time on her day off, she would never forget to bring her family some steamed buns. She thought that it would be the best gift to her mom and younger sisters. MinEr felt that life back then was so simple and full of tender feelings.
Now MinEr still thought much of NaYing, her roommate, a naive, lively, warm-hearted and generous Muslim girl. NaYing's parents were railway workers, and her family income was considered high in the town MinEr lived in. Oftentimes NaYing invited MinEr to her house and asked her mom to cook them something good to eat, so as to satisfy their craving for good food. Those days with NaYing together, MinEr was really carefree and happy. Even though they worked for a small factory and earned low wages, they would never have a feeling of self-despise and the sense of crisis. They always stubbornly believed that they were the real owners of the country and the factory, the dauntless working class, and the pillars of society.
Working class at that time definitely was a class that took the leadership
in everything. In those days, when seeing an acquaintance who had become a worker person one would admire and say, "Oh, you are working class now!" with a tone full of envy.

In the era of planned economy all the commodity transactions requested coupons from buyers. MinEr thought that working meant to contribute everything she possessed to the country and the factory she worked for. At the same time, she firmly believed that the country and the factory would take good care of her in her lifetime, from child birth to sickness, to aging and to death. That was why she started to work even before graduating from junior high school. That was her true feelings after she was employed. Of course, in those days, except MinEr, many co-workers of hers also carried those thoughts.

It can be said that, that was a characteristic of that era. Once you joined
your organization, no matter small or large or what the economic efficiency
was like (in MinEr's memories, in the planned economy times, it seemed that every enterprise was making profits, and they had never suffered a loss), you seemed to be insured of your employment , and everything about you would be taken good care of by your organization.

This kind of being taken good care of was implemented ever since the day new workers started to work and be educated. For example, when MinEr began to work for the very first day, the director of the factory toured her and other new hires around that very small furniture factory for less than a half hour, and went back to that pitifully small meeting room, and then he said to them, "From today on, you should give all of your concern to the
hand of the country and the factory. The factory is your own home, and you
are the owners of it. If you have any difficulties or emotional problems,
you should take the initiative to report to the leadership. The company will
help you out any time"...so on and so forth. Hearing this, those workers
who were only about fifteen or sixteen years old felt so warm at heart.
With tears welling up in their eyes, they were all moved by the director's
speech, and tingled all over with excitement.
Dear readers, let us recall that at a time like this---who would have imagined that the fate of being laid-off was not far away, waiting for those kids to face? Another example: not long after MinEr and her co-workers were hired, they witnessed something that fully reflected the warmth of the big collective family.

The event happened like this: not long after MinEr and her co-workers started to work for the furniture company, there was an accident to an employee, Li Siqing, who was in charge of buying all the things for the company. He was going on a business trip to the Northeast, and he was almost killed in that accident. After the company received notice of the accident it immediately sent someone over to take him home. Very soon Li Siqing was escorted back to Hubei province. After Li Siqing arrived in Hubei province, he didn't go back to Water Willow town, but was directly sent to Xiehe Hospital in Wuhan city. Later on, all his co-workers took turns to see him in Wuhan.
Some of them even went to see him several times, because all the costs
of the travel to and back were paid for by the company. The company even sent someone purposely to take care of Li Siqing in the hospital. Since Li Siqing was from the countryside, the company was also responsible for all the costs of his relatives who went to see him in Wuhan, including costs of eating, drinking, going to washroom and staying in hotels.
The "incident" that occurred to Li Siqing, without doubt, was a vivid lesson
to MinEr and other new employees as an example of advantage of the big family of socialism. For another example, the company made all the arrangements for its employees, for matters like child birth, aging, sickness and death.
The company leaders would also put it as a routine and act like their parents to look around for suitable match for those middle-aged men and women in the factory, who were still single for reasons of finance or other, to get married with. Relevant persons in charge would keep helping those singles till a perfect match was found to satisfy their wishes.
...Oftentimes when MinEr recalled life in those days, the simple life, full
of warmth and free of anxiety, that she had led in the furniture factory
back then, she felt that the life she was leading now was not for human
beings.

It has been almost twenty years since that day when MinEr was laid-off.
The change in the past twenty years was: in the beginning, MinEr had stayed with her mother-in-law in the countryside for a few years. Life on the outskirts had changed MinEr from a city girl into a country woman. If that thing that MinEr had a zero tolerance for had never happened, MinEr's husband, a man who worked for the Wuhan railway station, wouldn't have let MinEr move to Wuhan. For that matter, it could have been a very good plot for this story, but the protagonist of the story MinEr didn't give me the permission to put it down. So in order to be respectful of her I decided to give it up, however methinks that would make me feel guilty for my readers, and to make it up, how about I put it this way, "MinEr's so and so...turned out to be ..."And that was it, since I don't want to break my promises to MinEr.
I am sorry, dear readers.

As a matter of fact, to keep her own original lifestyle was not what she
really wanted. MinEr once, wittingly or unwittingly, expressed what she
thought to those women who lived in that tenement yard when they gossiped together. She said, "I also wish to perm my hair, wear sheepskin coats, anchored pants, high-heeled shoes, and carry a fashionable handbag. And all my family could have breakfast outside, but where does money come from?"
The truth was that living a comfortable life and dressing up nicely had
been something that MinEr had always dreamed of. But the problem was, ever since she moved to Wuhan, she was unable to find a job. The reality of
having a difficult financial situation was a ruthless plight to MinEr and her family, which made her life so miserable. MinEr felt deeply depressed
in her family financial crisis.

Of course, when MinEr first moved to Wuhan, she had been excited for a while,because no matter what, she had finally gotten rid of that disgusting place where both her mother-in-law and sister-in-law disliked her and scolded her because she had no idea how to do the field work, and moreover, she extricated herself from her father-in-law's malicious entanglement for good.
And no matter what, the situation of her and her husband living separately
in different places finally ended. However, happy days didn't last long.
Being unemployed and living a poor life really worried MinEr.


MinEr looked for a job desperately through the hard times. For example,
the benchwork fitter Yu Jifei, who worked with her husband, enthusiastically
found her a waitress position in an army guest house located in a suburban
area. So she started to work there with merriment for a few days, but at
last because of having a hard time to take care of her son who was still
small and not yet weaned plus her husband needed to go on business trips very often, MinEr finally decided to give up that job for her family. As her son grew up later on, MinEr looked for jobs several times. She worked as a waitress and a dishwasher at a restaurant, a part-time maid for rich people, a parking lot attendant and so on. MinEr had done all kinds of heavy work, dirty work, and work no one wanted. However, she was dismissed again and again by all her employers due to her bad health which impacted on her hard work.

The more times MinEr got fired, the heavier the blow became to her. The
very little joy and self-confidence that she had in the beginning when she
moved to Wuhan had disappeared without a trace through the experience of
being repeatedly fired. MinEr simply felt like she was nothing, so worthless.
No matter what, in the reality, she could no longer find her goal in life,
as if she had lost her direction and drowned in a boundless ocean.

Originally MinEr was not that weak, but she just could not stand the pressure
of being unemployed so often. In the third year after she moved to Wuhan,
under the overwhelming stress, she started to get a strange disease that
made her feel very weak, and even any little sound would frighten her.
When the condition was aggravated she even passed out with uncontrollable muscle spasms and foaming at the mouth. MinEr had suffered a lot from that odd illness which also made her lose many opportunities of getting a job.
Her life seemed like one disaster after another when she became sicker and
sicker day by day under the poor living conditions--without any financial
support. But oddly enough, even though these days the job she worked at
was more tiring and dirtier, MinEr still could keep going for more than three
years. In these three years MinEr also got sick, and especially summer time
was the peak season for her illness. Usually when seizures happened to her
at work, she would pass out all of a sudden and fall on the floor. Supposedly,
under such circumstances she should definitely need a good rest and avoid
working so hard, but she had never called in sick for even a day. Why? Because
it was just a temporary position.

Usually, temporary workers had no holidays, and no mention of lunch breaks.
MinEr always prepared her lunch before going to work in the morning.
In winter time, MinEr put her lunch in a thermos and in a general lunch box
for summer time. When lunchtime came and she was still sweeping the floor,
she would just sit on the broom to eat lunch, no matter where she was.
And in winter mostly her lunch was icy cold, and in summer her food would
give her a rancid taste in her mouth. But she had no choice, otherwise she would have zero energy.

That day was not Sunday, but her son who studied in the provincial foreign
trade school suddenly came home. He said he didn't want to go to school
anymore. The sixteen-year-old son, said with a crying tone and tears swelling in his eyes, it seemed like he had suffered from great grievances.
MinEr, who was in the same mood and wanted to have a good cry like her son,
had no idea why her son suddenly said that he didn't want to continue his
education.

The wheel of time already turned to mid-May, and MinEr remembered the first
Sunday after the school started when her son brought home a school notice
about fund raising, in which tons of reasons were given, saying why the
school needed to raise money from its students. The notice also indicated
the amount of money that students should pay and set a time limit for doing
so. All students should do what they had been asked to do, otherwise they
would be the ones to bear the responsibilities after the very last day--
the end of March, or at the latest the middle of April. But the notice didn't
state what kind of responsibilities there were. It was obvious that the school
authorities showed the firm determination.

Needless to say, the reason why her son LiLi wanted to quit school must have something to do with the amount of ￥450 that he hadn't paid to the school.
Thinking of that, MinEr started to be haunted by a crippling guilt, that
she felt she was not fit to be a mother. She was so helpless to change
what was facing her. She didn't even have courage to see her son's classmates.

Well, up to now I should explain to my dear readers what MinEr did for living:
she was a city cleaner--an ordinary, but great job that had beenmpropagandized by the media as a city beautician, (I had written something about cleaners in a pattern of documentary fiction, and I had interviewed many of them for information. As of today, the details of the situation of those workers had complained to me with tears trickling down their cheeks about the unfair treatment they had received--how they had been discriminated against and insulted, were still fresh in my mind.) but it really became another thing in the reality when someone actually worked a job like that, not to mention the halo the media put on the job. People who worked that hard actually bore a lot of stress caused by the discrimination and even humiliation against them.


In that regard, MinEr had too deep a sense of being a cleaner. Therefore,
she had never been able to lift her head to face people of other jobs since
she joined the cleaning crew. She didn't feel that she was doing ordinary
work. (She didn't even feel it was ordinary, not to mention great.) What
she had now was the deep feelings of inferiority which stemmed from much
of discrimination and contempt in society.

Last year, on her son Lili's birthday, his classmates boisterously insisted on taking that chance to come and have a good time in their house. When Lili came home from school the previous Sunday, he told his mom about that. Lili
said, "Mom, my classmates will come to our house next Wednesday. They said
they had already custom-made a birthday cake for me." When he said so, he
was so excited that his face shone with pride and happiness.

That Wednesday fell on the sixth day of the fifth moon on the lunar calendar,
and that was her son's birthday. Being a mother for more than ten years
now MinEr remembered better than anyone else about that day and she cherished it more than anyone else. However, she had never thrown her son a birthday party with much fanfare. At best she made him a bowl of longevity noodles or something like that as a celebration. Lili was very reasonable, he
understood the financial dilemma faced by his family. So not like other
children, he had never insisted on going to fast food restaurants such as
McDonalds and KFC, not to mention of making his parents buy him an expensive custom-made birthday cake from a bakery shop or things that were similar.

Hearing that Lili's classmates would have a birthday party for him with a custom-made cake, MinEr felt so happy for her son, but at the same time she
felt embarrassed and guilty, because that would be his first birthday with a birthday cake, and the cake would be given by his classmates other than herself.

On that Wednesday, MinEr hardened her heart. She went to a peddlers market and bought some fresh meat and vegetables, with which she prepared a sumptuous dinner for her son and his classmates.And then she left the house. Where did she want to go? She was not even sure. Anyway, she couldn't stay at home. She was afraid that her son's classmates would recognize her--a cleaner. (She was responsible for sections near her son's school. She had a strict requirement for her son that he was not allowed to go and see her at work.) She didn't want her son to feel humiliated in front of his classmates.

The sky looked a bit gloomy. Outside, MinEr tightened her threadbare jacket ,and then she faded into the dark night. Alone and staggering, she lifted up her head and looked into the sky. She felt that even the sparse glittery stars were mocking her embarrassment. It seemed as if there were two worms crawling on her face, which were icy cold. She touched them with her hands and it turned out to be a handful of tears. She kept looking up into the dark night sky and let her tears drip down her face...

…… Lying in the hospital bed, as if playing a movie, one by one, her memories about all the things that happened in the past came back to her, touching her heart bitterly, and made her tears continue to drip down. Looking back, the thing that made her really sad was what happened that night--her son's birthday. As a mother she hoped that she could stay and take care of everything for her son's birthday, but as a cleaner, she must force herself to leave... That night, she stayed outside and walked around aimlessly till after twelve o'clock, midnight.
_________________
是非是，我非我。

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[[Bob]]

二

敏儿恐怕是中国最早一批的下岗女工之一。早在1982年的时候，敏儿就下岗了。
敏儿从上班开始工作，到下岗，仅三年的过度时间。

敏儿常对人讲，在她这一辈子当中，吃大锅饭，享受社会主义优越性的待遇，对她而言仅三年的光景而已。她说她现在捧的是随时都会被人砸碎的泥饭碗。只是在敏儿下岗的那阵子，社会上还没有流行“下岗”二字。当时称下岗工人为“待业”或“待岗”。敏儿记得好清楚哦，企业改革的初始，叫了一个非常民主也非常冠冕堂皇的名子“自由组合”，也有叫“优化组合”的。也就是说，企业人员结构形式，由原先的组织统一安排，变为由各大小承包头“择优录用”（谁也不知这些承包头们是由谁、以什么样的标准来“择优录用”他们）。但是就敏儿所体验到的，所看到的所谓的“企业改革”，其实是国有资产和集体资产，被少数打着“改革”晃子的腐败分子肆无忌惮地侵吞瓦解；所谓“优化组合”无非就是“裙带组合”。

敏儿清清楚楚看到她们的厂，就是这样被一帮腐败分子分割掉的。敏儿在她所工作过的木器厂垮掉之后很长一段时间，都缓不过劲来。她既伤感又伤心和迷茫得不得了。她弄不懂社会上所发生的一切。她恨不得让自己变成一个小甲虫，永远龟缩在一个不被人注意的地方。这个地方一定要使她看不到人间的肮脏、龌龊、凶残、狡诈、弱肉强食、贪官污吏……

在敏儿的记忆中，“优化组合”是中国最早的企业改革。敏儿就是在这最早的企业改革中被“优化”掉了的。敏儿的姐妹们有时就开敏儿的玩笑说：敏儿是我们这个家族中改革的先驱，最早将自己的铁饭碗砸碎，投身市场经济的竞争之中。对这样的玩笑，敏儿总是付之以苦笑。或者说一些类似于“饱人不知饿人饥”的话，算是对姐妹们的玩笑的一个小小的还击。

那个时候，敏儿不是在武汉市，而是在她的老家水柳镇上的一个木器厂上班。这个木器厂的规模不是很大，大约百把人。可是，别看这个不足百人的小厂，可真称得上是企业改革的典范。改革的春风（敏儿说是残酷的冬风）一刮到那个小镇，木器厂立马行动起来。没要三二天功夫，一个好端端的工厂就给彻底解体了。木器厂的锯板车间被敏儿的师兄黑子承包了；油漆车间被厂长的小舅子承包了；还有最出经济效益的木工车间，被厂长自己承包了。带敏儿的师傅是个50多岁的老油漆匠，据说这个木器厂是由他一手创办的。他不忍心看着由自己一手创办的集体企业就这样一夜之间化为乌有，愤愤然臭骂了一通厂长是“败家子”，“资本家”之后，背起行李拂袖而去。

实事求是地说，当时厂长还是挽留过敏儿和敏儿的师傅的。敏儿的师傅自不必说，他看不惯这种“败家子”式的改革，他是断然不会留下来的。而当时的敏儿，心气也是傲得很，随着师傅一唱一合：“我才不给你们这些新型的资本家做奴隶。”

毫无疑问，1982年就自动离职的敏儿唯一的出路就是——回家。在这个时候，敏儿是无论如何也想象不到，回家“待岗”对她这一辈子将意味着什么。或者说，这一次的回家“待岗”将彻底改变她的整个人生命运，她也无所察觉。她当时还天真地想，这种将集体企业承包到个人的现象一定是错误的，暂时的，是兔子的尾巴——长不了的。她说“社会主义是不会让工人没饭吃，让资本主义现象存在的。”

初中还没读完就参加了工作的敏儿以她朴素的感情洞察社会，感悟世事。她坚定地认为，企业如此改革，是一种非正常社会现象，是搞资本主义复辟。这种非正常现象，终有一天会被纠正过来的。因此，她当初离开木器厂时，走得义无反顾，走得很有一些悲壮的意味。她坚定地认为她的行为是在捍卫某种东西。这东西是什么呢？她想了好几天，结果她想出来了，她所要捍卫的那种东西就是使人人都有饭吃的——社会主义制度。她认为自己是在为“主义” 而战。她为自己的这种高觉悟和壮举的确感动了。因此，她觉得自己没接受厂长要她留下来的请求是对的，她觉得自己“很无产阶级、很革命”了一回。她相信，总有那么一天，会有人将她们这些“工人阶级”请回单位，重新让他们做企业的主人的。她做梦也没想到她这一等，就等了快二十年也没有谁来问津她现在生活得怎样。更没有谁来请她们回去做什么企业的主人。

现在回忆起来，那个小小的木器厂，敏儿还是很怀念的。她常常对别人讲起“那时我们厂的馍馍做得真是又大又甜又香。那像现在，馍馍，油条都是用洗衣粉发起来的。一点嚼头都没有不说，还害得人得一些奇奇怪怪的病。”

是的，敏儿那时觉得天底下最好吃的东西，莫过于她们厂食堂做出来的又大又香不是很白的馍馍。她每次回家休息时，总是忘不了要带些馍馍回家。她认为这是她带给母亲和妹妹们的最好礼物。敏儿觉得那时的生活，真是过得简单又充满着人间温情。

敏儿至今还非常怀念她同寝室的纳英。纳英是一个天真活泼又热情大方的回族姑娘。她的父母亲都是铁路工人。纳英家的经济条件，在敏儿工作的那个小镇，算是优越得不得了的。纳英时常将敏儿带到她的家中，要她的妈妈给她们做好吃的解馋。她和纳英在一起的日子，真是过得无忧无虑快活极了。工厂虽小，工资虽低，但她们从来没有自卑感和危机感。她们从来就是坚定不移地认为自己是国家的真正主人，是工厂的真正主人，是顶天立地的工人阶级。是社会的栋梁……

工人阶级在那个时候可是领导一切的阶级呵。那个时候小镇的人们见到刚参加工作的熟人就说：“呵，你工人阶级了”的那种口气，充满羡慕。

在一切商品都需持票证供应的计划经济年代，敏儿觉得，自己参加了工作就是把一切交给了国家和这个集体。同时她坚信，国家和集体也会将她们这一辈子的生老病死等等一切都安排得顺顺当当的。这就是因为种种原因没等初中毕业，就就了业的敏儿当时的真实想法。当然当然，在那个年代有这种思想意识的绝对不仅仅是敏儿或敏儿的同事们。可以说，那是那个时代的特征。只要你进了单位，无论这个单位的规模大小，经济效益如何（在敏儿的记忆中，在计划经济年代，每一个企业好像永远是赢利的，没有亏损这一说。），你就等于进了保险箱（不是保险公司），你的一切的一切，单位都会为你大包大揽下来。

这种大包大揽，在新工人刚上班时，接受工厂对新工人教育的第一天就开始了。比喻：敏儿们上班的第一天，厂长就将她和几个刚招进工厂的新工人带着，在小得可怜的木器厂化了不到半个小时的时间转了一圈后说：你们从今天起，就一切都交给了国家和这个集体。木器厂就是你们的家，你们就是工厂的主人。有什么困难和思想问题都要积极主动地向组织反映，汇报，组织随时都会为你们排忧解难……等等等等。这些年仅十五六岁的新工人听着这样的话，心里暖暖的，热热的。他们一个个被厂长的一席话感动得热泪盈眶激动不已……

亲爱的读者，让我们来回想一下，在这种时候，谁会想到会有下岗的那一天在不远的将来在等待着他们这群孩子们去承受和面对呢？再比喻：敏儿们上班没多久，就亲眼目睹了一件充分体现集体大家庭温暖的事儿。

这件事儿的发生经过是这样的：敏儿她们这拨新工人上班没多久，单位就出了一件事故。采购员李四清出差东北的途中出了车祸，差点将小命丢在了东北。单位接到电报后当即派人去了东北。很快李四清被接回到湖北。回湖北后，李四清根本就没有回水柳小镇，而是被直接送进了武汉协和医院。尔后，全木器厂的干部职工几乎人人都轮番着到武汉看了他，有的甚至反反复复去看过好几次。因为去看李四清的所有费用，全由工厂报销。工厂还专门派人在武汉协和医院侍候他将近三个月。李四清是由农村招进工厂的职工，他的农村亲戚们来来往往如同过流水席般地往武汉跑的吃、住、拉、撒的一切费用，也全都由工厂负责。

李四清事件的发生，对敏儿这些刚参加工作的人来说，无疑是一堂生动的社会主义大家庭的教育课。还比喻：职工的生老病死,婚、丧、嫁、娶、一应都由单位安排。甚至因自身条件差或其它原因，而找不到对象的大龄男女青年，单位领导都要将其纳入议事日程，并且如同父母般为你张罗着找对象。一个不行找二个二个不行找三个三个不行找四个四个不行……总之，一直找到你满意为止。

……敏儿常常想起那个时候的日子，回想在木器厂工作时，既简单又温馨踏实的生活，就觉得现在生活得真是没有个人样。

敏儿自1982年待岗至今，已有近二十年了。这近二十年的变化是：敏儿先是在乡下的婆婆家生活了好几年，农村的生活使敏儿由一个小城的女孩儿变成了一个地地道道的乡下媳妇。如果不是发生了一件使敏儿不能容忍的事情（关于这件事，本来是个非常好的情节，但本文主人翁敏儿始终不同意我将其写出来。为了尊重她，我也就在此打住。但是一思量，又觉得对不起读者，那么我在括号内这样写上一句可否，“敏儿的谁谁……竟然……”可是我还是不能继续写下去了，否则，我会失信于敏儿。对不起了，亲爱的读者）敏儿在武汉铁路局工作的男人是断断不会将敏儿由乡下迁移到武汉来的。

在乡下生活的那几年光景，敏儿真是一点儿也不想去回忆。想想那些日子，敏儿的心就堵得慌。总算在1990年的时候，敏儿的男人将她及他们的儿子的户口由那个破烂不堪的小乡镇迁移到了武汉，敏儿总算重新过上了城市人的生活。

虽说已是城里人了，但敏儿在这个大都市里，日子过得不是很顺心。好几年的城市生活并没有使敏儿感觉到自己是大都市的人。无论是衣着打扮或是生活习惯，敏儿还是保持着一种本原或本色。家庭的窘困使她无法融进大都市的生活潮流之中。

保持本原或本色，其实不是敏儿的本意。她的这种心思曾在同家属院的嫂子们扎堆时，就有意无意地表露过。她说：“我还不是想烫烫头发，穿穿羊皮大衣，穿穿踩脚裤，穿穿高跟鞋，背个时髦的坤包，每天早晨像别人家那样，全家都到外面过早（吃早点）。可钱哪里来呀？”宽裕的生活、阔绰的穿戴其实是敏儿做梦都向往的。可是敏儿由1990年迁居武汉至今，工作一直没一个着落。这个现实，无论对敏儿本人或敏儿的家庭，都是残酷无情的，它直接导致了敏儿家庭生活的贫困和窘态；它使敏儿活得无滋无味；它使敏儿的家庭经济状况始终处在危机之中。

当然，敏儿的户口刚迁移到武汉来的时候，还是有过一阵子的喜悦。不管怎么着，总算摆脱了因不会干农活而时常挨婆母小姑子骂及公爹不怀好意的纠缠的日子；不管怎么说，分居多年的夫妻生活总算结束了。可是好景不长哦，没要多久，经济的拮据和工作的无着又使敏儿愁上心头……当然，在工作无着的这几年中，敏儿也不是说完全没有找到过工作。比喻：丈夫一个工班的钳工余洁菲，曾非常热心地在郊区一个部队招待所，为敏儿找了一份当招待员的工作。敏儿也欢天喜地地去上过几天班。最后因儿子太小，中途又不能回家喂奶加上丈夫经常出差，家中无人照料，不得不弃之。后来儿子长大了一点，又找过几次工作。到餐馆端盘子、洗碗；给有钱人家做钟点工；在停车场收费等等。凡重活，脏活，无人干的活，敏儿都干过。最后都因敏儿体力不支中途病倒而被人一次次辞退。

每被辞退一次，对敏儿的打击就加重一次。敏儿刚到武汉来的一点点喜悦和微乎其微的自信心，在这一次次被辞退的打击中消解殆尽。敏儿简直觉得自己是个一文钱不值的废物。她在生活的现实中无论如何也找不到她的人生坐标了。她迷失了。她将自己迷失在无边无际的生活的汪洋大海之中……

敏儿的身体本不是很弱，可是在一次次的辞退中，她的身心都受到了沉重的打击.在她迁居武汉的第三个年头，她终是不堪重负，一种奇怪的病缠上她身。使她变得弱不禁风。任何大一丁点儿的声音都会使她受到惊吓，严重时甚至晕死过去，全身痉挛，口吐白沫……敏儿的这种病使她吃了不少苦头，也使她失去很多机遇。

敏儿日渐衰弱的身子使本是拮据的家庭生活更是雪上加霜。

说来也怪，敏儿现在干的活儿，比以前所有的工作都累，都脏，敏儿却坚持了下来，一干就是三年多了。在这三年的期间里，敏儿不是没病过。尤其是夏天，几乎是敏儿的发病高峰期。她常常在干着干着活儿的时候就突然晕倒在地。按说，这种情况下，她是完全应该休息的。可是她从来没休过一天病假。为什么？就因为她是临时工。临时工是没有节假日的。不仅如此，甚至连吃中午饭的时间也没有。敏儿常常在上班前就将中午的饭做好，如果是冬天，敏儿就将做好的饭菜放在保温瓶中，如果是夏季，她就将做好的饭菜放在一般的饭盒内带上。到吃午饭时，扫地扫到那儿了，就在那儿将扫帚放倒，人就坐在扫帚把上吃饭。在冬季的时候，敏儿吃的饭多数是冰冰凉的，而在夏季，敏儿吃到口中的饭都已做馊味了。可是敏儿还是得吃，不然，下午哪来力气干活呢……

那一天不是星期天，可是在省外贸学校读书的儿子突然回来，说他不想读书了。十六岁的儿子在说这句话时，带着哭腔，双眼泪汪汪的，像是受了天大的委屈。同儿子一样想痛哭一场的敏儿不知道儿子为何突然言说不读书。

是为钱吗？敏儿一下子就想到了“钱”——这个牵制着整个人类神经的可恶的玩艺儿（这玩艺儿真是功力超凡。它使人富贵、它使人贫穷、它使人严志、它使人淫荡、它使人入地狱、它使人上天堂…… ）。
时下已是5月中旬，敏儿记得早在刚开学的第一个星期天，儿子就拿回学校关于集资的通知单。通知单上有蛮多蛮多的理由讲明学校为什么为什么要学生集资，并限定了交集资款项的日期。好像是3月底，最迟不能超过4月中旬，否则后果自负。虽然没讲明应负什么样的后果，但态度的强硬是显而易见的。

不用说，儿子黎黎突然说不想读书，一定是与那个450元的集资款项没交有关。想到此，一种对儿子深重的愧疚感涌上敏儿的心头。她简直觉得自己不配做母亲。

可是她没有能力改变这一切呵。甚至她连让儿子的同学与自己见见面的勇气都没有……
哦，在这儿我该向亲爱的读者交待一下敏儿现在的工作：她是城市清洁工。这个工作从新闻媒体上的宣传上来看，是平凡而伟大的。甚至被誉为城市美容师（笔者早在几年前就写过关于环卫工人的纪实文学，由此笔者采访过大量的环卫工人。时至今日，那些流着泪对我讲述她们在工作时所受到的欺视，侮辱的情景还历历在目），可是这种工作落到生活的实处，落到某一个人的身上，它就没有那么多的光环可言了。干着这项工作的人所要承受的是更多的沉重和艰辛甚至屈辱。

对此，身为清洁工的敏儿是有太多太深的感触了。因此，自打她进了清洁工队伍的行列，她的头就没抬起过。她丝毫没有平凡（她连平凡的感觉都没有，哪儿还会有伟大之之感）感，只有深深的自卑和低微感。这种自卑感源自于社会的欺视和人们太多太多太多的白眼、蔑视。

记得去年儿子过生日，儿子的同学们在好几天前就闹着一定要利用这个机会到他们家来玩。儿子在上个星期天回家时，就将此事告诉了母亲。儿子说：“妈妈，我的同学下个星期三要到我们家来玩。他们说他们已在皇冠食品店给我定做了生日蛋糕。”儿子在说这话时，满脸的幸福。

星期三是阴历五月初六，这一天是黎儿的生日。已做母亲十多年的敏儿当然比谁都记得这一天，比谁都珍视这一天。然而，她从来没有为儿子大张旗鼓地过个什么生日。充其量在儿子生日的那一天，认真地为儿子做一碗肉丝或鸡蛋长寿面什么的。黎儿很是懂事的，他知道家中生活的艰难，过生日时，从不像别人家的孩子那样，闹着吵着要上“麦当劳”啊“肯特鸡”呀什么快餐店。更别说要父母亲到哪个店为自己定做昂贵的生日蛋糕啊什么的。

听说黎儿的同学们要为黎儿过生日，还为他特意定做了生日蛋糕，敏儿既为儿子感到高兴，也为自己的家境窘困感到心酸和歉疚。这是儿子第一次过一个有生日蛋糕的生日，而且是他的同学们为他定做的。

到星期三的这一天，敏儿狠了狠心，到集贸市场买了些鲜鱼鲜肉新鲜蔬菜什么的，给儿子及儿子的同学做了一顿丰盛的晚餐后，就独自出了家门。她要到哪儿去呢，说不清楚。反正她是不能呆在家中。她怕被儿子的同学们认出（她负责打扫卫生的地段正是儿子的学校附近，她给儿子以严厉的规定，上班的时候，不允许儿子来找她。），使儿子在同学们的面前再也抬不起头来。

户外的天空有些阴沉，出了屋的敏儿将有些单薄的外套紧了紧，便融入苍苍茫茫的夜色深处。蹒跚、落寞地走在黑夜中的敏儿抬头望了望天，她觉得天上稀稀疏疏的星星也在嘲笑她的窘态……她感到脸上有两条虫子在爬，冰凉冰凉的。她用手一摸，满手的泪……她仰望长空，任泪水长流…………

……躺在病床上的敏儿，将往事一件件地往外翻，想得很是心酸，想得眼泪直流。在所有回想的往事中，最让她心酸的是黎儿的同学为黎儿过生日的那个晚上。作为母亲，她是多么希望自己留下来为儿子的生日张罗。可是作为一个扫大街的，她又必须强迫自己离开……那一夜，她在外面漫无目的地转悠到深夜12点多钟……

****************

MinEr was probably one of the first group of female workers who were laid
off. MinEr began her unemployment as early as 1982. She only worked
for three years before being laid off. MinEr usually said to others that
it was only three years for her to hold the iron bowl (meaning a steady
job for life), and enjoyed the preferential treatment of the socialism. She
said that now her current job was not stable and she might lose it at anytime.
At the time MinEr lost her job, the word "Laid-off" was not yet used.
MinEr still remembered it clearly that, at that time, people who were unemployed were called Waiting for Work. As early as the Enterprise System Reform was established, so far as she could remember, it had very democratic and ear-pleasing names: Free Combination, or "Superiority combination".

In other words, the enterprise personnel structure changed from being originally given jobs by the government into contract system based on the selection of best personnel decided by contractors. (No one knew who the contractors were and followed what priority standards for the selection of so-called best personnel), but from MinEr's experiences and her eyes, the so-called Enterprise Reform System was that the state-owned assets and collective assets had been disintegrated and embezzled fearlessly by a small number of corrupt persons in the name of Reform. The so-called "Superiority Combination" was nothing more than "Nepotism".

As far as MinEr could remember, The "Superiority Combination" was the earliest enterprise reform in China. MinEr was the victim in that earliest reform process. Her female co-workers once teased her, saying, "In our big family, MinEr is the pioneer of the reform system--first one to lose her iron bowl, and participate in the competition of market economy." Usually MinEr would just give a wry smile for what they said or she might say something
like "The full people don't know the hunger of hungry people" as a little
counterattack to her joking friends.

At that time, MinEr was not living in Wuhan City. She was working for a
furniture company in Water Willow Town, her hometown. With approximately one hundred employees, the furniture company was not considered as a big company. But even if it was a small company without many workers, it was still a role model in the enterprise reform. When the so-called spring wind of reforms (the harsh winter wind as MinEr put it) blew across the small town, the company took actions right away. Only in two or three days, the company that had no problems at all was now taken apart completely. The sawdust workshop of the factory was contracted by Black Guy (a nickname), her senior fellow worker. The painting workshop was contracted by the director's brother-in-law,and the most profitable carpentry workshop was contracted by the director himself. The experienced painter, who was MinEr's master, was in his fifties, and they said that he was the one who founded the furniture company. Since he could not bear to see his own collective enterprise collapse overnight, he scolded the director angrily, calling him "the black sheep" and "capitalist"，and then he picked up his belongs and left the factory in a huff.

True to form, the director had tried to ask MinEr and her master to stay,
but in vain. MinEr's master could not stand that "Destruction" Style reform,
so he categorically refused to stay. And MinEr was too arrogant to continue in that job; so she followed suit, saying, "I will never slave for new capitalists like you. "

Without doubt, the only way out for MinEr, after she quit her job in 1982,
was to go home. At that time, it was hard for MinEr to imagine what in her
lifetime it would be like going home and waiting for work. In other words,
she had no idea how to go home this time and wait for employment that would change her life thoroughly. She was so naive back then, that she thought the phenomenon of contracting the collective enterprise into individual one must be a big mistake and it wouldn't last long--like a rabbit's tail that couldn't grow any longer.

She said, "The socialism won't let workers starve, and won't let the capitalism exist." Due to various reasons MinEr didn't even finish her junior high school before she started to work. So she could only look at the society
and understand things with her simple emotions. She firmly believed that
enterprises being reformed like that was an abnormal social phenomenon which was the restoration of capitalism, and this abnormal phenomenon would finally be corrected some day. Therefore, the day when she left the furniture factory,she walked out confidently with a sense of solemnity and bravery. She stubbornly believed what she did was to defend something. But what was that something?
After she thought for a few days over it, she figured out that that something
she defended was that everyone could have food to eat--that was socialism.
She thought she was fighting for that doctrine. She was even moved by her
high level of awareness and feats of bravery.

Therefore, she thought she was correct not to accept the director's request
to stay. She felt that she was really a proletarian and a revolutionary
for this once. She believed that one day all the working class like her
would be hired back by the company, and once again become the owners of
the enterprise. However, never did she dream that she would wait for almost twenty years, when no one cared about her and what life she was leading, no mention being hired back by the company or becoming the owner of it.

Now, in retrospect, MinEr still missed that small furniture factory. She
used to speak to others this way, "Back then steamed buns in our factory
canteen were big, sweet and delicious. They are not like those now which
are made from detergent-like yeast and hard to eat, but have also caused
people strange diseases. "
Yes, in those days MinEr felt that the most delicious food in the world
was nothing more than those huge, aromatic, yet not very white steamed buns produced by the canteen of her factory. Every time on her day off, she would never forget to bring her family some steamed buns. She thought that it would be the best gift to her mom and younger sisters. MinEr felt that life back then was so simple and full of tender feelings.
Now MinEr still thought much of NaYing, her roommate, a naive, lively, warm-hearted and generous Muslim girl. NaYing's parents were railway workers, and her family income was considered high in the town MinEr lived in. Oftentimes NaYing invited MinEr to her house and asked her mom to cook them something good to eat, so as to satisfy their craving for good food. Those days with NaYing together, MinEr was really carefree and happy. Even though they worked for a small factory and earned low wages, they would never have a feeling of self-despise and the sense of crisis. They always stubbornly believed that they were the real owners of the country and the factory, the dauntless working class, and the pillars of society.
Working class at that time definitely was a class that took the leadership
in everything. In those days, when seeing an acquaintance who had become a worker person one would admire and say, "Oh, you are working class now!" with a tone full of envy.

In the era of planned economy all the commodity transactions requested coupons from buyers. MinEr thought that working meant to contribute everything she possessed to the country and the factory she worked for. At the same time, she firmly believed that the country and the factory would take good care of her in her lifetime, from child birth to sickness, to aging and to death. That was why she started to work even before graduating from junior high school. That was her true feelings after she was employed. Of course, in those days, except MinEr, many co-workers of hers also carried those thoughts.

It can be said that, that was a characteristic of that era. Once you joined
your organization, no matter small or large or what the economic efficiency
was like (in MinEr's memories, in the planned economy times, it seemed that every enterprise was making profits, and they had never suffered a loss), you seemed to be insured of your employment , and everything about you would be taken good care of by your organization.

This kind of being taken good care of was implemented ever since the day new workers started to work and be educated. For example, when MinEr began to work for the very first day, the director of the factory toured her and other new hires around that very small furniture factory for less than a half hour, and went back to that pitifully small meeting room, and then he said to them, "From today on, you should give all of your concern to the
hand of the country and the factory. The factory is your own home, and you
are the owners of it. If you have any difficulties or emotional problems,
you should take the initiative to report to the leadership. The company will
help you out any time"...so on and so forth. Hearing this, those workers
who were only about fifteen or sixteen years old felt so warm at heart.
With tears welling up in their eyes, they were all moved by the director's
speech, and tingled all over with excitement.
Dear readers, let us recall that at a time like this---who would have imagined that the fate of being laid-off was not far away, waiting for those kids to face? Another example: not long after MinEr and her co-workers were hired, they witnessed something that fully reflected the warmth of the big collective family.

The event happened like this: not long after MinEr and her co-workers started to work for the furniture company, there was an accident to an employee, Li Siqing, who was in charge of buying all the things for the company. He was going on a business trip to the Northeast, and he was almost killed in that accident. After the company received notice of the accident it immediately sent someone over to take him home. Very soon Li Siqing was escorted back to Hubei province. After Li Siqing arrived in Hubei province, he didn't go back to Water Willow town, but was directly sent to Xiehe Hospital in Wuhan city. Later on, all his co-workers took turns to see him in Wuhan.
Some of them even went to see him several times, because all the costs
of the travel to and back were paid for by the company. The company even sent someone purposely to take care of Li Siqing in the hospital. Since Li Siqing was from the countryside, the company was also responsible for all the costs of his relatives who went to see him in Wuhan, including costs of eating, drinking, going to washroom and staying in hotels.
The "incident" that occurred to Li Siqing, without doubt, was a vivid lesson
to MinEr and other new employees as an example of advantage of the big family of socialism. For another example, the company made all the arrangements for its employees, for matters like child birth, aging, sickness and death.
The company leaders would also put it as a routine and act like their parents to look around for suitable match for those middle-aged men and women in the factory, who were still single for reasons of finance or other, to get married with. Relevant persons in charge would keep helping those singles till a perfect match was found to satisfy their wishes.
...Oftentimes when MinEr recalled life in those days, the simple life, full
of warmth and free of anxiety, that she had led in the furniture factory
back then, she felt that the life she was leading now was not for human
beings.

It has been almost twenty years since that day when MinEr was laid-off.
The change in the past twenty years was: in the beginning, MinEr had stayed with her mother-in-law in the countryside for a few years. Life on the outskirts had changed MinEr from a city girl into a country woman. If that thing that MinEr had a zero tolerance for had never happened, MinEr's husband, a man who worked for the Wuhan railway station, wouldn't have let MinEr move to Wuhan. For that matter, it could have been a very good plot for this story, but the protagonist of the story MinEr didn't give me the permission to put it down. So in order to be respectful of her I decided to give it up, however methinks that would make me feel guilty for my readers, and to make it up, how about I put it this way, "MinEr's so and so...turned out to be ..."And that was it, since I don't want to break my promises to MinEr.
I am sorry, dear readers.

As a matter of fact, to keep her own original lifestyle was not what she
really wanted. MinEr once, wittingly or unwittingly, expressed what she
thought to those women who lived in that tenement yard when they gossiped together. She said, "I also wish to perm my hair, wear sheepskin coats, anchored pants, high-heeled shoes, and carry a fashionable handbag. And all my family could have breakfast outside, but where does money come from?"
The truth was that living a comfortable life and dressing up nicely had
been something that MinEr had always dreamed of. But the problem was, ever since she moved to Wuhan, she was unable to find a job. The reality of
having a difficult financial situation was a ruthless plight to MinEr and her family, which made her life so miserable. MinEr felt deeply depressed
in her family financial crisis.

Of course, when MinEr first moved to Wuhan, she had been excited for a while,because no matter what, she had finally gotten rid of that disgusting place where both her mother-in-law and sister-in-law disliked her and scolded her because she had no idea how to do the field work, and moreover, she extricated herself from her father-in-law's malicious entanglement for good.
And no matter what, the situation of her and her husband living separately
in different places finally ended. However, happy days didn't last long.
Being unemployed and living a poor life really worried MinEr.


MinEr looked for a job desperately through the hard times. For example,
the benchwork fitter Yu Jifei, who worked with her husband, enthusiastically
found her a waitress position in an army guest house located in a suburban
area. So she started to work there with merriment for a few days, but at
last because of having a hard time to take care of her son who was still
small and not yet weaned plus her husband needed to go on business trips very often, MinEr finally decided to give up that job for her family. As her son grew up later on, MinEr looked for jobs several times. She worked as a waitress and a dishwasher at a restaurant, a part-time maid for rich people, a parking lot attendant and so on. MinEr had done all kinds of heavy work, dirty work, and work no one wanted. However, she was dismissed again and again by all her employers due to her bad health which impacted on her hard work.

The more times MinEr got fired, the heavier the blow became to her. The
very little joy and self-confidence that she had in the beginning when she
moved to Wuhan had disappeared without a trace through the experience of
being repeatedly fired. MinEr simply felt like she was nothing, so worthless.
No matter what, in the reality, she could no longer find her goal in life,
as if she had lost her direction and drowned in a boundless ocean.

Originally MinEr was not that weak, but she just could not stand the pressure
of being unemployed so often. In the third year after she moved to Wuhan,
under the overwhelming stress, she started to get a strange disease that
made her feel very weak, and even any little sound would frighten her.
When the condition was aggravated she even passed out with uncontrollable muscle spasms and foaming at the mouth. MinEr had suffered a lot from that odd illness which also made her lose many opportunities of getting a job.
Her life seemed like one disaster after another when she became sicker and
sicker day by day under the poor living conditions--without any financial
support. But oddly enough, even though these days the job she worked at
was more tiring and dirtier, MinEr still could keep going for more than three
years. In these three years MinEr also got sick, and especially summer time
was the peak season for her illness. Usually when seizures happened to her
at work, she would pass out all of a sudden and fall on the floor. Supposedly,
under such circumstances she should definitely need a good rest and avoid
working so hard, but she had never called in sick for even a day. Why? Because
it was just a temporary position.

Usually, temporary workers had no holidays, and no mention of lunch breaks.
MinEr always prepared her lunch before going to work in the morning.
In winter time, MinEr put her lunch in a thermos and in a general lunch box
for summer time. When lunchtime came and she was still sweeping the floor,
she would just sit on the broom to eat lunch, no matter where she was.
And in winter mostly her lunch was icy cold, and in summer her food would
give her a rancid taste in her mouth. But she had no choice, otherwise she would have zero energy.

That day was not Sunday, but her son who studied in the provincial foreign
trade school suddenly came home. He said he didn't want to go to school
anymore. The sixteen-year-old son, said with a crying tone and tears swelling in his eyes, it seemed like he had suffered from great grievances.
MinEr, who was in the same mood and wanted to have a good cry like her son,
had no idea why her son suddenly said that he didn't want to continue his
education.

The wheel of time already turned to mid-May, and MinEr remembered the first
Sunday after the school started when her son brought home a school notice
about fund raising, in which tons of reasons were given, saying why the
school needed to raise money from its students. The notice also indicated
the amount of money that students should pay and set a time limit for doing
so. All students should do what they had been asked to do, otherwise they
would be the ones to bear the responsibilities after the very last day--
the end of March, or at the latest the middle of April. But the notice didn't
state what kind of responsibilities there were. It was obvious that the school
authorities showed the firm determination.

Needless to say, the reason why her son LiLi wanted to quit school must have something to do with the amount of ￥450 that he hadn't paid to the school.
Thinking of that, MinEr started to be haunted by a crippling guilt, that
she felt she was not fit to be a mother. She was so helpless to change
what was facing her. She didn't even have courage to see her son's classmates.

Well, up to now I should explain to my dear readers what MinEr did for living:
she was a city cleaner--an ordinary, but great job that had beenmpropagandized by the media as a city beautician, (I had written something about cleaners in a pattern of documentary fiction, and I had interviewed many of them for information. As of today, the details of the situation of those workers had complained to me with tears trickling down their cheeks about the unfair treatment they had received--how they had been discriminated against and insulted, were still fresh in my mind.) but it really became another thing in the reality when someone actually worked a job like that, not to mention the halo the media put on the job. People who worked that hard actually bore a lot of stress caused by the discrimination and even humiliation against them.


In that regard, MinEr had too deep a sense of being a cleaner. Therefore,
she had never been able to lift her head to face people of other jobs since
she joined the cleaning crew. She didn't feel that she was doing ordinary
work. (She didn't even feel it was ordinary, not to mention great.) What
she had now was the deep feelings of inferiority which stemmed from much
of discrimination and contempt in society.

Last year, on her son Lili's birthday, his classmates boisterously insisted on taking that chance to come and have a good time in their house. When Lili came home from school the previous Sunday, he told his mom about that. Lili
said, "Mom, my classmates will come to our house next Wednesday. They said
they had already custom-made a birthday cake for me." When he said so, he
was so excited that his face shone with pride and happiness.

That Wednesday fell on the sixth day of the fifth moon on the lunar calendar,
and that was her son's birthday. Being a mother for more than ten years
now MinEr remembered better than anyone else about that day and she cherished it more than anyone else. However, she had never thrown her son a birthday party with much fanfare. At best she made him a bowl of longevity noodles or something like that as a celebration. Lili was very reasonable, he
understood the financial dilemma faced by his family. So not like other
children, he had never insisted on going to fast food restaurants such as
McDonalds and KFC, not to mention of making his parents buy him an expensive custom-made birthday cake from a bakery shop or things that were similar.

Hearing that Lili's classmates would have a birthday party for him with a custom-made cake, MinEr felt so happy for her son, but at the same time she
felt embarrassed and guilty, because that would be his first birthday with a birthday cake, and the cake would be given by his classmates other than herself.

On that Wednesday, MinEr hardened her heart. She went to a peddlers market and bought some fresh meat and vegetables, with which she prepared a sumptuous dinner for her son and his classmates.And then she left the house. Where did she want to go? She was not even sure. Anyway, she couldn't stay at home. She was afraid that her son's classmates would recognize her--a cleaner. (She was responsible for sections near her son's school. She had a strict requirement for her son that he was not allowed to go and see her at work.) She didn't want her son to feel humiliated in front of his classmates.

The sky looked a bit gloomy. Outside, MinEr tightened her threadbare jacket ,and then she faded into the dark night. Alone and staggering, she lifted up her head and looked into the sky. She felt that even the sparse glittery stars were mocking her embarrassment. It seemed as if there were two worms crawling on her face, which were icy cold. She touched them with her hands and it turned out to be a handful of tears. She kept looking up into the dark night sky and let her tears drip down her face...

…… Lying in the hospital bed, as if playing a movie, one by one, her memories about all the things that happened in the past came back to her, touching her heart bitterly, and made her tears continue to drip down. Looking back, the thing that made her really sad was what happened that night--her son's birthday. As a mother she hoped that she could stay and take care of everything for her son's birthday, but as a cleaner, she must force herself to leave... That night, she stayed outside and walked around aimlessly till after twelve o'clock, midnight.
_________________
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