酷我-北美枫

星子 · 发表于: 星期三二月 27, 2008 12:45 pm 发表主题: Because of Fate

I invite you into my dream
to share the emptiness.

I don't know you,
really,all mysterious,
in and out of my dream.

but I do know
where you come from
and that you want
from me, the light

Walls between day
and night gets
thinner and thinner

At last, we meet
silent
deep in the dream
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Champagne

星子 · 发表于: 星期三二月 27, 2008 10:09 pm 发表主题:

Hi Champagne,

Mystery, my typo.

Thanks.

Anna
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Champagne

星子 · 发表于: 星期四二月 28, 2008 4:05 pm 发表主题:

Thanks.

Changed it again.

We see each other silent
deeper in the dream

not good enough... Embarassed

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星子 · 发表于: 星期六三月 01, 2008 8:05 pm 发表主题:

In TOPS event, Elka and other poets shared me some good suggestions.

I combine them to one.
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dundas · 发表于: 星期一三月 03, 2008 1:56 pm 发表主题: Re: Because of Fate

星子 · 发表于: 星期三三月 05, 2008 7:55 pm 发表主题:

From Don,

This has real promise, Anna. As usual I made some suggestions.

I invite you
to share the emptiness.
in my dream.

I don't know you,
in and out of my dream
mysterious;
.

but I know where you come from
and that you want <--change to "that"
like me, the light.

The wall between day
and night gets
thinner.

At last, we meet
silently
deep in the dream.
_________________

星子 · 发表于: 星期三三月 05, 2008 8:00 pm 发表主题:

My reply to Don,

Thank you very much as usual Very Happy

I like your suggestions.

However, I don't like

At last, we meet
silently

(I know in grammar it should be "silently"...
but I use "silent" here also imply we are silent, not just meet silently and my dream is silent too ... )
So I don't know how it could work out like that...
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