酷我-北美枫

星子 · 酷我！I made it！ 注册时间: 2004-06-05 帖子: 13192 来自: Toronto

The final poem I will submit Poetry Magazine and need to wait for eight weeks for result. After then I can release it.

Thanks my friends' suggestion in the past.

星子 · 发表于: 星期三一月 30, 2008 2:59 pm 发表主题:

From Penshell's Mike

Anna... This is one of the most beautiful poems I have read
by you. I was going to ask whether it was a translation
or an original, but you always mention when it is a
translation. So it is original. And better than most of your
translations, haha!

Your poem takes the intrinsic sorrow of the sea, and ties
it to the tide, which comes and goes.. like a promise
which can only be a lie, in the very long run.. The sorrow
in this poem pulls at my gut like something very true..

I think the first stanza is the strength of the poem. The language in the first stanza is perfect, and it contains the whole message.

The language in the second and third stanzas is a bit
more awkward, although they do add to the overall effect
of the poem. Let me play:

I prefer love not coming,
for knowing its promise
afterward -- the void.

Please don't change this stanza. It could be a poem
all on its own.

The moon lies,
thousands years,
still full and shiny,
soothing night's invasion.

The moon lies
its thousands of years,
soothing night's invasion.

Line one is astonishing with its double meaning, connected
to S1, and the tide, which comes and goes, and with
the illusions that the moon always implies.. Wonderful!!

Only dreams,
--dream--
that keeps waiting...

Only dreams,
dreams,
keep waiting.

I think you don't need the dashes and dots,
and the repetition works, IMO..

Beautiful poem, very true, very human, very real.

Oh, and hc... the tide is a metaphor for the endless
rhythm of whatever comes and goes like the tide,
including 'being' itself, which is the deeper meaning
of this poem. I think, heheh..

Again, Anna... this is one of my favorites of yours,
and I think S1 could be a beautiful poem, all on its own..

mike
_________________

ericcoliu · 发表于: 星期四一月 31, 2008 11:54 am 发表主题:

A good poem.

星子 · 发表于: 星期四一月 31, 2008 12:18 pm 发表主题:

Hi Eric,

Yes. I agree with you and Mike.

He reads me well.

I leave my old one just to show how revision goes on...

Thanks.

Anna
_________________

Champagne · 发表于: 星期四一月 31, 2008 10:09 pm 发表主题:

星子 · 发表于: 星期四一月 31, 2008 10:24 pm 发表主题:

I always think Title is very important for poetry.

I always spend time to think about title. Some poems I finished first without title, like this, then I tried to think about the title, about what message I would like to bring. I saw the picture of the movie, when Sylvia wanted to drawn herself in the ocean, I saw the tides powerful and merciless . . .

The titile is the key for the poetry. It implys a lot. This title works wonderful, since it stands for the title and the content of the poem. It has a persona here.

Like many poems of mine, I always try to use title as message to attract readers to read.

You can read some of my poems' title here.

http://anna.88just.com/sunflowerIndex.php

http://anna.88just.com/jasmineBook1.php
_________________

星子 · 发表于: 星期四一月 31, 2008 10:32 pm 发表主题:

From Penshell comments.

This is gorgeous Anna. Just wanted to add my appreciation.

It makes me appreciate linebreaks all the more. That break on lies is everything here.

Thank you. I saw the movie too after I'd read Ariel. Took me a long time to confront Ariel but I'm so glad I did.

e www.wordwalkerpress.com
_________________

星子 · 发表于: 星期四三月 20, 2008 11:19 am 发表主题:

This is accepted to publish by "Poetry of Love" anthology by CFP.
_________________

clair · 发表于: 星期四三月 20, 2008 1:06 pm 发表主题:

星子 · 发表于: 星期四三月 20, 2008 1:46 pm 发表主题:

CANADIAN FEDERATION of POETS.
_________________