酷我-北美枫

星子 · 酷我！I made it！ 注册时间: 2004-06-05 帖子: 13192 来自: Toronto

A windy afternoon

Standing here
and listening to the piercing winds.

Once,wings of
flying hearts,
Now, shattered
And fallen.

Gasping for our last breath,
Where could we find
our final tranquility?

站在这里,
静听风如刀割.

曾经,飞扬的心,
此刻羽翼
碎裂,脱落.

摒住残余的呼吸,
何处寻求
最终的安宁?
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非马 · 发表于: 星期五十一月 24, 2006 3:33 pm 发表主题:

星子好！高兴你喜欢我的画。几点小建议：

1。题目： A Windy Afternoon
2. the pierce of winds -- the piercing wind
3. shattered, 后面的“，”似可省略
4。根据中文诗的意思，Gasp our last breath, 似乎译为holding our last breath较佳。或者你是想说：“Gasping for our last breath”？
5。 envision 在这里似乎不是最好的用词。How about:
Gasping for our last breath, (or "Holding our last breath")
where can we find
our final tranquility?

星子 · 发表于: 星期五十一月 24, 2006 3:41 pm 发表主题:

thanks William.

1, 2. Yes.
you are right.

3. I would like to say "Gasping for our last breath" seems to be stronger feeling.

5. I just learnt the word "envision" last night at a meeting. I have a habit of trying new word.
But I agree with you.

Thanks. I revised it.
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非马 · 发表于: 星期五十一月 24, 2006 4:18 pm 发表主题:

You are welcome! By the way, unlike in the Chinese usage, the first stanza probably needs a subject in English:

Standing here
I Listen to the piercing wind.

Or, better yet:

I stand here
listening to the piercing wind.

Or, if you prefer, you might let the subject be vague and use:

Standing here
and listening to the piercing wind

星子 · 发表于: 星期五十一月 24, 2006 9:18 pm 发表主题:

Thanks 非马老师. 很同意您的看法.

多谢.
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