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星子[ANNA] 星子作品集 酷我!I made it!
注册时间: 2004-06-05 帖子: 13192 来自: Toronto
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发表于: 星期三 八月 09, 2006 12:09 pm 发表主题: Life skills (revised) |
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When asked to write down
what bothers them the most
these kids hand in their papers
with one word on them:
DEATH!
Facing their
somber-looking, sad eyes,
You cannot ignore the feeling
with them,
funeral after funeral,
for moms, dads and uncles,
from lunchtime to dusk,
on weekdays and weekends.
You cannot gather strength to breath...
When all is bleak and dark,
even the hottest sun cannot warm them.
These kids in Africa
now strive
their life skills---
Pray,
pray,
and pray! _________________
最后进行编辑的是 星子 on 星期一 八月 14, 2006 10:57 am, 总计第 2 次编辑 |
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非马[FFFFFF] 非马作品集 二品总督 (刚入二品,小心做人)
注册时间: 2005-10-15 帖子: 1053
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发表于: 星期日 八月 13, 2006 2:17 pm 发表主题: |
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A good yet sad poem.
Some minor suggestions and questions:
1. It might be more powerful to delete the first line and rearrange the first stanza as follows:
when asked to write down
what bothers them the most
these kids hand in their papers
with one word on them:
2. "or template feeling" what is the meaning of the word "template" here?
3. I believe "lunchtime" is one word. |
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主持[Bob] 主持作品集 二品总督总管 (回首人生,前途在望)
注册时间: 2005-10-13 帖子: 4150
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发表于: 星期日 八月 13, 2006 4:15 pm 发表主题: |
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template ~ templet.
But, I guess - maybe it's temporal here. _________________ 是非是,我非我。
敬请光临我在北美枫的博客飞云浦
也请关注我的新浪博客
http://blog.sina.com.cn/u/1740799031 |
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星子[ANNA] 星子作品集 酷我!I made it!
注册时间: 2004-06-05 帖子: 13192 来自: Toronto
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发表于: 星期日 八月 13, 2006 9:43 pm 发表主题: |
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谢谢 非马指点.
谢谢主持.
你们说对了. _________________
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老哈[老哈] 老哈作品集 八品县丞 (又一个不小心,升了!)
注册时间: 2006-02-27 帖子: 60 来自: NEVADA, USA
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发表于: 星期一 八月 14, 2006 12:20 am 发表主题: |
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非马 写到: |
when asked to write down
what bothers them the most
these kids hand in their papers
with one word on them:
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It does feel more powerful. _________________ 掠过天堂刹那间的感觉 |
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星子[ANNA] 星子作品集 酷我!I made it!
注册时间: 2004-06-05 帖子: 13192 来自: Toronto
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发表于: 星期一 八月 14, 2006 10:53 am 发表主题: |
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同意老哈....
改了一些...谢谢! _________________
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茜雪[茜雪] 茜雪作品集 八品县丞 (又一个不小心,升了!)
注册时间: 2005-10-14 帖子: 63 来自: china
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发表于: 星期一 八月 14, 2006 9:57 pm 发表主题: |
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These kids in Africa
now strive
their life skills---
delete them?maybe you will give the reader more to feel from the poem? _________________ 一纸素笺飘落,雪漫江南. |
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星子[ANNA] 星子作品集 酷我!I made it!
注册时间: 2004-06-05 帖子: 13192 来自: Toronto
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发表于: 星期二 八月 15, 2006 2:47 pm 发表主题: |
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茜雪 写到: | These kids in Africa
now strive
their life skills---
delete them?maybe you will give the reader more to feel from the poem? |
I don't think so.... It is the important phase to bring the message and fact...
"Pray, pray" that is the only life skills for them...
in that situation, nothing to grasp...
http://www.coviews.com/viewtopic.php?t=20324 _________________
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茜雪[茜雪] 茜雪作品集 八品县丞 (又一个不小心,升了!)
注册时间: 2005-10-14 帖子: 63 来自: china
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发表于: 星期二 八月 15, 2006 9:45 pm 发表主题: |
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[quote="星子"]
I don't think so.... It is the important phase to bring the message and fact...
"Pray, pray" that is the only life skills for them...
in that situation, nothing to grasp...
maybe its the difference between chinese poem and western poem.
western poems are more realitic than chinese poems. chnese poem used to ignore something to give the reader more to think as a reader.but the western ones used to describe the reality. _________________ 一纸素笺飘落,雪漫江南. |
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非马[FFFFFF] 非马作品集 二品总督 (刚入二品,小心做人)
注册时间: 2005-10-15 帖子: 1053
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发表于: 星期三 八月 16, 2006 1:48 pm 发表主题: |
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"You cannot gather strength to breath... "(breathe?)
I think the word "Africa" is important in this poem. |
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