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主题: Winged Migration (revised)

dundas

回响: 9
阅读: 15740

论坛: English Garden 发表于: 星期一三月 30, 2009 12:34 pm 主题: Re: Winged Migration

clair 写到:

ericcoliu 写到:

Upon second reading, I think “yet” would be better than “and” in S1L4.

Yes, I concur!

I like this idea of a "portable home" explored in your poem.

Thanks for your helpful suggestion. I've edited my poem accordingly.

主题: Winning Tanka of the TSA 2008 International Tanka Contest

dundas

回响: 7
阅读: 15242

论坛: English Garden 发表于: 星期一三月 30, 2009 12:32 pm 主题: Re: Winning Tanka of the TSA 2008 International Tanka Contes

fanfan 写到:

Second Prize:

here on a knoll
in the fields of springI’ll lay it down . . .
and for a while be rid
of a mind that never rests

I am impressed by this knoll metaphor and its imagery. Thanks for posting.

主题: Ramblings of a Fatigued Poet (published in American Tanka)

dundas

回响: 11
阅读: 19213

论坛: English Garden 发表于: 星期一三月 30, 2009 12:29 pm 主题: Re: Ramblings of a Fatigued Poet: My Life with Calliope

ericcoliu 写到:

Reading and Writing: Life on the Page

II

waking alone
in the middle of a night
distressed --
you evade my glances
even in dreams

I like this tanka the most, in which successfully captures one emotionally charged state of mind.

主题: The Collateral Damage of A.I.G.

dundas

回响: 6
阅读: 11470

论坛: English Garden 发表于: 星期一三月 30, 2009 12:26 pm 主题: Re: The Collateral Damage of A.I.G.

hahaview 写到:

II

my pastor smiles
and tells me
prayers are phone calls to God
i despair
i can’t pay my bills

What kind of bills are we talking about here?
Interestingly humurous.

主题: Winged Migration (revised)

dundas

回响: 9
阅读: 15740

论坛: English Garden 发表于: 星期四三月 12, 2009 3:39 pm 主题: Winged Migration (revised)

Thanks you all for your helpful suggestions and insightful comments.

I've made some revisions to my poem accordingly.

ericcoliu 写到:

fanfan 写到:

The theme explored in the poem reminds me of Salman Rushdie's question about the problematic nature of the concept of "home" in his famous book entitled Imaginary Homelands:

The past is a country from which we have all emigrated ...

"... but ... the writer who is out-of-country and even out-of-language may experience this loss in an intensified form ... of his being 'elsewhere'" (p 12).

Yes, I concur!

Thanks for your attentive reading.

主题: Calligraphy of Geese (WPF Hall of Fame Honorable Mention)

dundas

回响: 13
阅读: 22998

论坛: English Garden 发表于: 星期四三月 12, 2009 3:34 pm 主题: Calligraphy of Geese (WPF Hall of Fame Honorable Mention)

ericcoliu 写到:

2 The shape of the flight pattern of geese is similar to one of the simplest, yet most important Chinese word, human (人), which pictographically and literally means that man stands on his two feet. Scientists discover that geese fly in a V-shape formation to conserve energy. The lead goose splits the air current to make it easier for the rest to move efficiently through the air. When the lead goose gets tired, it peels off the point position and rotates back into the V-formation. The next one in line then steps up and takes its turn. This formation also allows geese to keep an eye on each other and communicate landing locations. When a goose gets sick or wounded and has to go down to land. Two other geese go with it to support and protect it. They stay with it until it dies or gets better to return to the formation.

Geese's cooperative formation flying ideogrammatically conveys the connotative meaning of the Chinese word, human.

This shape poem, denotatively and connotatively, conveys the true meaning of "being human." Moreover, visually speaking, the focus of the poem is geese.

主题: I'm Nobody! Who are you?

dundas

回响: 6
阅读: 12182

论坛: English Garden 发表于: 星期四三月 12, 2009 3:31 pm 主题: I'm Nobody! Who are you?

I like the first version. The concluding lines are great.

主题: Thoughts on a Wintry Morning

dundas

回响: 5
阅读: 9617

论坛: English Garden 发表于: 星期四三月 12, 2009 3:30 pm 主题: Thoughts on a Wintry Morning

Contrasting tones and moods expressed in your poem.

Is your poem a tanka sequence?

主题: Winged Migration (revised)

dundas

回响: 9
阅读: 15740

论坛: English Garden 发表于: 星期六二月 28, 2009 1:51 pm 主题: Winged Migration (revised)

主题: Four Steps to Seducing Calliope (three versions)

dundas

回响: 13
阅读: 16221

论坛: English Garden 发表于: 星期六二月 28, 2009 1:47 pm 主题: Four Steps to Seducing Calliope (three versions)

Thank you all for your thoughtful comments and helpful suggestions.

ericcoliu 写到:

Here is another take on the concluding line:

Only then are we a single dream.

I like this revision.

主题: Life in Transition (3 pieces published in CANADIAN STORIES)

dundas

回响: 15
阅读: 15655

论坛: English Garden 发表于: 星期六二月 28, 2009 1:42 pm 主题: Re: Life in Transition (3 pieces published in CANADIAN STORI

Congratulations to you on your publication!

Three pieces published in the same issue. Quite an achievement!

ericcoliu 写到:

Border Crossings

A newcomer to Ajax,
you've stayed there six years;
but at night in dreams,
Taipei is still your hometown.

Today, you drove south
across the Canada/USA border
and were awakened:
Ajax is now your home.

Here is my take on the concept of "home:"

Fly like Canada geese --
don’t gaze back
at your homeland
and carry it
in your heart.

They have been migrating
since the beginning of time,
leaving no traces on the sky,
but they never
forget their way home.

主题: Winning Tanka of 2008 International Erotic Tanka Contest

dundas

回响: 10
阅读: 17571

论坛: English Garden 发表于: 星期六二月 28, 2009 1:38 pm 主题: Re: Winners of the First International Erotic Tanka Contest

fanfan 写到:

According to Pamela Babusci who is the sponsor and judge for the First International Erotic Tanka Contest for 2008, “erotic” means expressing love in all its manifestations.

Although all of them are evocatively sexy, where are the physical aspects of Love or S e x? LOL!

Enjoyed the read.

主题: Four Steps to Seducing Calliope (three versions)

dundas

回响: 13
阅读: 16221

论坛: English Garden 发表于: 星期四二月 05, 2009 4:18 pm 主题: Four Steps to Seducing Calliope (three versions)

fanfan 写到:

I think the revision is less sensual and thus becomes romanticized when juxtaposed with ericcoliu’s reply.

Interesting observation.

Thanks for your thoughtful reply.

主题: The Birth of Eric Liu on a Wintry Morning (revised)

dundas

回响: 12
阅读: 17455

论坛: English Garden 发表于: 星期四二月 05, 2009 4:16 pm 主题: Re: The Birth of Eric Liu on a Wintry Morning

fanfan 写到:

Subtle use of rhetorical devices: metaphor and allusion.

I think you also need to include the following passage:

ericcoliu 写到:

Based on my own writing experience, I find that writing can be a way of paying attention and acknowledging traces, of revising and erasing.

主题: Four Steps to Seducing Calliope (three versions)

dundas

回响: 13
阅读: 16221

论坛: English Garden 发表于: 星期二十二月 30, 2008 1:04 pm 主题: Four Steps to Seducing Calliope (three versions)

ericcoliu 写到:

later mouth to mouth,

Yes. Thanks.

ericcoliu 写到:

christine 写到:

I don't think you need the last line, and you title can function as a run-on title.

Yes, a good point. In doing so, the poem will become more succinct.

Thanks for the suggestion.

I've revised my poem.

ericcoliu 写到:

feet across feet --
we dream
each other's dream

I love your reply immensely.

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