酷我-北美枫

星子 · 酷我！I made it！ 注册时间: 2004-06-05 帖子: 13192 来自: Toronto

静物
( 杯中冲浪)

坐在盘子里的苹果，面朝你，浮泛起
静物的宁。你的颜料涂亮我圆润的弧
画家，你能抹平我遥远的痛么
搁在果皮下面、果肉深处。如果追溯
上可追溯遥远的十字花科
两把凶器交叉，控制命脉

我不为难你。只请你午后开窗缝儿，让
那只采蜜归来的蜂，立我的蒂
一如地质学家伏在东非大裂谷，鸟瞰
我伤口的深度

The still life
(Translated by Anna Yin )

The apple sits in the tray, facing you,
floating peace of the still life.
Your pigment spreads and shines my plump arc;
Painter, can you smooth my remote pain
which lies under the peel, the deep inside of pulp?
If tracing, it may trace the faraway mustard family
two weapons overlapped, they control life

I do not want to embarrass you.
Only ask you to open the window a crack after noon,
let the bee that returns from honey picking
stand on my pedicel
and as if a geologist bending over The Great Rift Valley,
look down the depth of my wound

我儿子JASON在旁做作业,问我在干什么. 我说翻译诗歌. 他问为什么? 他们请你帮忙吗? 我笑了. 儿子说,我知道了,是COVIEWS上的. Very Happy

他知道我是为酷我-北美枫作品研讨会翻译的 Very Happy

儿子知道我很忙, 不过他很支持我参加活动. 很多活动,我能带他去,也一定带他,主要想让他多接触不同的东西. 不过第二三次他就留在家里, 因为毕竟太小. 这样我和他都有自己的乐趣.
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星子 · 发表于: 星期日三月 30, 2008 8:59 pm 发表主题:

Comments from Penshell:

This has a wonderful mystique about it. The language appears to be perfect or any usage problems are hidden by the strangeness of the atmosphere of the poem. One little point of confusion:

The apple sits in the tray, facing you,
floating peace of the still life.
Your pigment spreads and shines my plump arc

There is a transition between "the apple" being outthere described by the narrator, and the apple being the speaker.

You could start it as

"I sit in the tray, facing you,
floating peace (do you mean "piece") of the still life.
Your pigment spreads and shines my plump arc."

----don

My reply:

Hi Don,

Your suggestion is much better. You read this very well.

You are right, for the apple and the inner voice.

and "You" mean the Painter...

The apple and life in the painting talk about its pain . . . and for the word "pieces" . . .

But because the original poem is starting with “Apple sits ...".
From its second sentence, it then transits to "my ...”

So I would like to ask the author for this transition.

I do believe it starts "I sit ..." more clear; but starting with "The apple sits", we could immeditelely think of a painting with an apple inside, the picture is very attractive. and it reminds us of "Still Life" paintings.

If starting with "I sit . . .", then I need to bring up "apple" in somewhere . . . to let readers picture it . . .

Anyway, you always give me good suggestions.

Thanks for comments and suggestions.

Anna
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ericcoliu

星子 · 发表于: 星期一三月 31, 2008 9:19 am 发表主题:

Thanks Eric.

I guess:

let the bee that returns from honey picking
stand on my pedicel
as if a geologist bending down upon The Great Rift Valley, looks down
the depth of my wound

better?
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非马

星子 · 发表于: 星期一三月 31, 2008 9:42 am 发表主题:

Thanks 非马, I agree with you. However the orignial poem is "伏在",
so change it : "bending over" should be ok.

Thanks for reminding.

BTW, I forgot to post Don's Comments, Added it in the above post.

Anna
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非马 · 发表于: 星期一三月 31, 2008 1:34 pm 发表主题:

I think there is still problem in the following lines:

let the bee that returns from honey picking
stand on my pedicel
as if a geologist bending down upon The Great Rift Valley, looks down
the depth of my wound

the structure is: let the bee .... stand.......and look........

let the bee that returns from honey picking
stand on my pedicel
and like a geologist bending over the Great Rift Valley, look down
the depth of my wound

anna · Site Admin 注册时间: 2004-05-02 帖子: 7141

Yes, You are right, 非马. Thanks.

I also questioned the line and wanted to bring it to our Poetry Event on Saturday. But now after the structure analysing, I agree with you.

before I wrote it as a clause, but wonder where to put the subject.

Now in this way, it is more clear and smooth.

Anna
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Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com

Lake · 发表于: 星期一三月 31, 2008 3:03 pm 发表主题:

anna · Site Admin 注册时间: 2004-05-02 帖子: 7141

谢谢LAKE. I agree with you. I am also puzzled at the line. 星期六问问ELKA 她们...

这首是先让网上机器翻的,,,,再改. 机器翻译害人呀 Very Happy

原文如下 (The computer translated version)

The still life

sits in the tray the apple, the surface faces you, floats about
the still life rather.Your pigment spreads shines my clear arc
painter, you can level my remote pain
to put under the peel, the fruit pulp deep place.If traces
may trace the remote mustard family
two weapon for criminals overlapping, the control life
I do not feel embarrassed you.Only asks you afternoon to open the window seam, lets
bee which that only picks the honey return, sets up me a peduncle
like geologist to bend down in East Africa Great Rift Valley, looks down
my wound the depth
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---------------------

Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com

Lake · 发表于: 星期一三月 31, 2008 3:40 pm 发表主题:

还有这样的捷径啊？

anna · Site Admin 注册时间: 2004-05-02 帖子: 7141

我对机器翻译的,几乎每行都修改过,,,,唯一不太确定的两个,看来还是有点问题...

Very Happy

没有捷径可走呀

_________________
---------------------

Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com

杯中冲浪 · 发表于: 星期一三月 31, 2008 11:51 pm 发表主题:

感谢星子，喜欢你和儿子的对话，代问小朋友好。我虽然看不懂，但看到你和非马先生及其他朋友，如此精细的商榷讨论，我猜想那诗一定翻译的很好。
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靠近神的烛光读书

星子 · 发表于: 星期三四月 02, 2008 2:57 pm 发表主题:

谢谢冲浪. 我觉得翻译到位了.

不过还是会和更多人交流一下. 同意DON所说,这首很有神秘感和现代感.
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anna · Site Admin 注册时间: 2004-05-02 帖子: 7141

Reply from Paul:

as if a geologist bending down upon The Great Rift Valley,
looks down the depth of my wound

The grammar is correct. I would remove the comma (after Valley).

Paul Very Happy

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Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com